Diana!!! Goddess of chastity and the hunt! You’re never going to find a boyfriend if you keep taking long, luxurious baths with all your female friends like this! Get it together!
Diana, how are you going to get a boyfriend if you keep turning all the men who see you into stags and then murder them with arrows?? That is NOT an approved method for keeping your man, Diana!!
Diana, you are missing a prime opportunity to invite some eligible bachelors to your naked all-girl meadow party! SM dang H here, lady! You’re supposed to be a GODDESS, this is Boyfriend 101 stuff!
Diana, you silly goose!!! You’re kissing a LADY! She can’t be your boyfriend!!!
Oh no, Diana! That man in the corner can’t even get close to you because you’re surrounded by so many naked girls!
Diana, what are you on the hunt for? It sure isn’t a husband, Diana!!! 🙂 I’m just teasing, Diana, but seriously, you are SO PRETTY that you could get any guy you want, if you weren’t always surrounded by dogs and women with bows and arrows. It’s like you don’t even want to try, sometimes, I think!
Another all-female bathing party, Diana??? How clean can one group of gal pals get?
Diana, where do you think you’re going to find a boyfriend in this party? Under that pile of fresh fruit? He would have to be awfully tiny to fit under that fruit, Diana.
Diana!!! Stop kissing ladies! That’s not where boyfriends are!!! Do I have to write this out for you so you will remember?
Oh, Diana, sometimes I think you will never learn!!! BOYS are for kissing, Diana. Girls kiss BOYS! What a silly mistake to keep making!
You’re not supposed to be kissing!!! See the painting?? You’re supposed to be holding up some scales! Get serious!
Diana, I give up, pretty much! It’s almost like you would RATHER hang out with dogs and shepherdesses with longbows than find even one single solitary boyfriend. It’s too bad, because I knew JUST the guy for you, but now he is a deer, and full of arrows, and also dead. One of these days you’ll get it right!!
[Images via]
Tags: artwork, bisexuals everywhere, goddesses, greek mythology, lesbians everywhere, western art history, yes i know that callisto was actually zeus in disguise and therefore undercuts my argument but whatever shh
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She DID have a boyfriend once but THEN her brother got jealous and murdered him, so.
SHH NOT IN MY HEADCANON
This is the “Diana killed him” mythos, probably.
ummm that was her brothers boyfriend.
I see you’ve met my mother.
Stop eavesdropping on my family reunions.
plz explain how Goddess of the Hunt who spends all of her time naked outdoors is so glowingly pale and freckle-free?
I mean she’s divine. She doesn’t really need any sunscreen. She’s never going to get melanoma.
And she’s also associated with the moon and all BUT STILL. I am equally glowingly pale but THE FRECKLES.
The real moon is kinda freckly tho too, so you can still be a moon-goddess.
I am pretty blindingly pale but I have very few freckles. The sun mostly just ignores me in every way. Maybe I’m Diana incarnate?
if you are, can I be one of your boobs out hunting party? I don’t really want to kill anything though. Maybe we could just severely maim some MRAs?
Also goddess of the moon. Being goddess of the moon automatically gives “glowingly pale” — pretty much part of the job description.
Pretending an awfully tiny man has been hiding in every painting of fresh fruit this whole time.
Fruit vendors are also alchemists and supply one free homunculus in every shipment.
Thaaaaaat’s what that is.
I was just waiting for “gal pals” to show up there, and lo, Mallory did not disappoint.
What’s better than this, Amnisiades being buddies
this narrator could be read as so adorkably charming and innocent though. I hope Diana invites her to one of the bathing parties to *ahem* clear up her confusion. *fans self*
diannnnnnna
i mean
you just hang out with girls
what do you even DO
what do you even TALK ABOUT
what could you possibly even have to nakedly talk about with a bunch of other girls
i bet its men
i bet you just talk about men
and practice
kissing
practice for when men
Diana is awesome.
OT: Not sure how much control you have over your page ads, but this popped up right below this post for me:
maybe he has something really important to say to seniors
“You left the stove on! Don’t ask me how I know, I just… I just know things, OK?”
I got a mysterious ad on The Toast earlier today, which has obviously disappeared now that I want to look at it. It said something like “Your rings are not really rings!” and I was tempted to click on it because I want to know what my rings actually are. Portkeys? Wheels for a tiny carriage pulled by grasshoppers? Sparkly belts for fairies?
They’re repositories for the souls and/or power of Dark Lords.
I think he does have knowledge of the future, since Ron Paul is actually actor DJ Qualls from the future (and has traveled back in time):
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/B7ZHqpYCIAE-Jb2.jpg
“My fellow seniors: as we age, there is an increasing temptation to bargain with Aurora, rosy-fingered goddess of Dawn, for the gift of eternal life! However, be warned: this gift eventually becomes a curse if not accompanied by eternal youth! If only I had known this one simple trick, I would not be turning into a cicada as we speak.”
“This message is sponsored by Stansberry Research, the last word in farm-fresh berries, delivered straight to market for maximum flavor! A delicious and healthy treat, whether you’re a human or a mutant hybrid locust. Look for the sign of Stan the Stansberry.”
well hell it worked, now I want to buy Ron Paul themed fortune cookies
Ooh, hold on, I’ve got a new idea for a pool party theme!
(ps The theme is fruit and nudity. And No Men. No Men is a theme! It totally is.)
I WANT TO GO TO THERE.
All are welcome*!
*some restrictions may apply. No Men.
Can I bring up men as a subject of conversation? The conversation itself will mainly consist of “Ugh”
Fourth picture: Diana is all “Oh, you like my crescent moon tiara? I got it on Etsy – there’s this great woman out of Portland who does custom tiaras and stuff. And, considering the quality of the work, quite affordable!”
Buy now before the CATACLYSM!
(unless you mean the other Portland)
OMG, Diana is totally the High Priestess of the Tarot! That explains so much.
This is all well and good Mallory, but how does Diana’s proclivities affect the horrific impending calamity in the Pacific Northwest?
“Another all-female bathing party, Diana??? How clean can one group of gal pals get?”
Pretty darn clean at the London ladies only pond (first hand witness)
Callisto wasn’t Zeus – Zeus transformed himself into Diana to rape Callisto – because Callisto would allow “Diana” to get close to her. When Diana saw C was pregnant she was so mad she expelled her from the bath club.
So your theory holds.
ohhhhh yeah, I saw those pictures and all I remembered was “something something bad men Callisto”
“expelled her from the bath club” is the saddest phrase after seeing all those paintings
That little cherub’s face is killing me. “Umm… Diana? Hey, Diana? Are you even paying attention?”
Putting this in my back pocket for later use.
I love that. Most of the picture is serene ladies bathing gracefully, and in the background one is clawing a man’s eyes out.
but serenely nonetheless
Such serenity.
“It’s almost like you would RATHER hang out with dogs and shepherdesses with longbows than find even one single solitary boyfriend.” ACTUALLY YES THAT SOUNDS PERFECT. Diana = patron Goddess of the Toast?
“No wait, I’m just the lifeguard–“ (TURNED INTO DEER, SPEARED AND DOGGED TO DEATH)
Hey, you can’t make an omelette without turning a few innocent men into deer and spearing them to death.
No men are innocent. No men may escape.
Can somebody explain “SM dang H” please?
SMH is “shaking my head” so… “shaking my dang head”???
shaking my dang head, I think
‘shaking my dang head’ 🙂
thanks!
And yegods (PI), the DIAPER RASH on the little cupid in the lower right corner of the fourth picture! Diana, pay attention to your attendants!
boy cherub who cares
Does it count as “keeping a boyfriend” if his new deer-head is mounted on her wall?
My name is Diana and I fully endorse this. Carry on.
These art posts are always utterly delightful, but this one raised the bar, methinks.
Is there an audition process for the bath party club?
I am dying to know what the lady in gold has just said to the lady in blue to make her make that face in the sixth painting.
I also want to mention that it seems that in some of these paintings the dogs are more anatomically accurate than the women.
Mallory O and Diana and your solid gold commenters, this is possibly the finest of your tres riches heures.
If I ever get married, and my wife and I happen to have quadruplets, and I haven’t been committed due to the having of quadruplets, we’re totally recreated that fourth painting. I mean, HELLO, Christmas cards! My Southern Baptist Republican family is gonna love it.
Diana and Her Girls FOR LYFE.
HAHAHA. It’s my mom speaking. My name is Diana. I’m a lesbian. My mom is still trying to find the perfect man for me. Oh boy.