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Home: The Toast

Previously in this series: If Tom Hardy Were Your Boyfriend

If The Boy from The Giving Tree were your boyfriend, he’d be outdoorsy, but not in a show-offy way. He’d take you for long walks in the woods behind his parents’ house, and if you forgot to bring a granola bar to snack on, he’d just pick you an apple. He’d thank the apple tree, and you’d be impressed by how much he respects Mother Earth.

If The Boy from The Giving Tree were your boyfriend, you’d have trouble keeping your hands out of his beard. “He’s not some hipster,” you’d tell your roommate. “He was [*finger quotes*] ‘lumbersexual’ way before BuzzFeed made it a thing.”

If The Boy from The Giving Tree were your boyfriend, he would be really proud to introduce you to his friends. “Babe,” he’d say, “meet Tree.” “Wait,” you’d say. “‘Tree’ is an actual, like, tree? I just thought she was just really tall or something.” “Don’t make it weird, okay?” he’d whisper.

If The Boy from The Giving Tree were your boyfriend, he’d carve your initials into Tree, memorializing your love for generations to come. “Doesn’t that hurt the –” you’d start to say. “No way, babe, she loves it,” he’d reply.

If The Boy from The Giving Tree were your boyfriend, he’d never let things get boring in the bedroom. “You wanna swing from THESE branches, don’t you?” you’d say (because he asked you to). “Mmmmm, yeah,” he’d say. “Shake those leaves for me.”

If The Boy from The Giving Tree were your boyfriend, he’d always be able to afford little surprises despite never holding a job for very long. “M’lady,” he’d say, sneaking up from behind to clasp an apple-shaped pendant around your neck.

If The Boy from The Giving Tree were your boyfriend, he’d be on board the second you suggest moving in together — he wouldn’t even notice how nervous you are. “I know there are some cute one-bedrooms downtown,” you’d say, but he would dismiss the whole idea of a starter apartment. “We’ll just build a house,” he would decide. “I’ll handle it.”

If The Boy from The Giving Tree were your boyfriend, he’d tell you that building your new home was his second-greatest accomplishment (after landing you, of course). “Wow,” you’d say, “a real log cabin. Did the HOA sign off on this?”

If The Boy from The Giving Tree were your boyfriend, you wouldn’t love the way your disagreements always seemed to devolve into name-calling. “Okay, Old Stump!” he’d huff. “That was totally uncalled-for,” you’d reply.

If The Boy from The Giving Tree were your boyfriend, he’d be the one with the “Enchanted Forest Wedding” Pinterest board.

If The Boy from The Giving Tree were your boyfriend, he’d never lose his thirst for adventure, even after you’d been together awhile, even if you eventually got married and were trying to put two kids through nature-based alternative private school. “Let’s buy a BOAT,” he’d say to you one day.

If The Boy from The Giving Tree were your ex-boyfriend, nobody would believe you when you told them what happened. “He just LEFT? In a homemade CANOE?” they’d demand, and you’d shrug. You would use the profits from his “charmingly rustic hideaway” to upgrade to stainless-steel EVERYTHING in your new place.

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Meghann lives in Minneapolis with her lovely spouse, joyful toddler, and exceedingly nervous Cocker Spaniel. She cries every time she reads The Giving Tree.

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