Skip to the article, or search this site

Home: The Toast

If a restless ghost were your boyfriend, you’d never have to call to see where he was, because his manifestation on our earthly plane would be confined to your studio apartment. The one where he died.

If a restless ghost were your boyfriend, you’d worry about his emotional distance. If you asked him about it, he’d just cackle in that way where it seems like your whole skeleton is vibrating and rattle his chains. You’d be irritated until you remember that he doesn’t really have “emotions.” Unless you count vengeance, which is more of a feeling.

If a restless ghost were your boyfriend, you wouldn’t have to worry about meeting his parents, who have since slipped through the shining veil that divides our world from the next. It’s good, because you have NOT heard good things about his dad.

If a restless ghost were your boyfriend, you’d stop losing productive hours to sleeping due to all his horrible noises. It’s like an extra 8-hour workday, just for you!

If a restless ghost were your boyfriend, he wouldn’t think that the movies you hadn’t seen made you culturally deficient. He definitely wouldn’t hector you about watching them, as something from the Apple TV’s hardware really screwed with his ectoplasm the last time you tried to Netflix and you could tell he’s pretty freaked out, even though he tries to hide it.

If a restless ghost were your boyfriend, your apartment wouldn’t have any mice or bugs. Your cat, unfortunately, leapt out the window.

If a restless ghost were your boyfriend, you’d get to dye your hair a bunch of fun colors once it turned white, and maybe you’d have an excuse to try one of those cool asymmetrical hairdos once it started falling out.

If a restless ghost were your boyfriend, you wouldn’t have to worry about your apartment’s security deposit when you left, your landlord having accepted that the walls are just gonna get all bloody again.

If a restless ghost were your boyfriend, you’d have a much more open mind about trying new stuff! Certainly after the door froze shut, covered in ice you couldn’t see. You were forced to boil and eat your favorite leather boots to survive. If you can call it that.

I F    A    R E S T L E S S    G H O S T    W E R E    Y O U R    B O Y F R I E N D,  Y O U    W O U L D    D A R E    T O    L I V E    B E Y O N D    F E A R    O R    P A I N

Y O U    A L O N E    W I L L    H A V E     G L I M P S E D    T H E    S H I M M E R I N G    H O R I Z O N

įf́ ̕͘a re̷s҉t͝ļe̵͡s͢͟͜s ̢́g̨h̴͜o҉s͏t̷͢ ̶͘w҉͘e̶̴r̀e҉ ͏͡y̡͟o̢u͏r͢ ̶̧̛b̡oy͡f̶̡ri̴̛͝e̢nd̀͠

$
Select Payment Method

Loading ...

Personal Info

Donation Total: $1.00

Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. You can find his weekly comics here, or on twitter here.

Add a comment

Skip to the top of the page, search this site, or read the article again

(Close this.)