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Home: The Toast

Previously in this series.

Your household is stunningly average.

The same goes for your entire family aside from one eccentric relative who’s always up to something kooky.

Your parents don’t like when you visit that relative for extended periods. You’ve never figured out why … until now.

You’re easy to read.

There’s something peculiar about your neighbor/best friend/substitute teacher/piano instructor/school crossing guard/primary care physician/babysitter/county clerk.

You’ve recently moved to a new house and you’re still finding your footing, so it’s a good thing everyone around town is so welcoming. Almost too welcoming.

You’re not actually sure which state you live in. It’s clearly in America, probably the Midwest, but it has no distinguishing features, nor is it ever identified in school or at home. So you just kind of go with it.

Your younger sibling is a real thorn in your side, but secretly, you value them above all else and would lay down your life for them in a heartbeat.

You have nothing more than a passing interest in the paranormal. And why would you?

Your pet keeps running away. It’s suspicious and worrying, but only to you; your parents, as in all other things, seem ambivalent.

You’re adequate at everything and not great at anything; aside from your stunningly average household and your often absent pet, you don’t have much to lose.

You speak in cryptic sentence fragments whenever the need arises.

You’ve never looked under your own bed, nor do you intend to. The same goes for the sink. It’s just better that way.

You are very involved in extracurricular activities to the point that they are your singular focus, especially when something goes awry.

You’ve never been on a vacation without something going horribly wrong, and yet you keep going.

You can’t believe how boring your life is right up until it isn’t, at which point you wonder why things can’t go back to the tedious state they were once in.

Your attic is full of secrets.

Whenever you find objects of suspect origin in the trash or at thrift stores, you acquire them, because what could go wrong?

You get the sinking feeling that there are countless other kids out there like you, experiencing similar phenomena, and you wish you could learn from their past mistakes but find yourself unable to do so. You are utterly alone in your struggles, however long they may last.

You’ll make it through whatever life-threatening problems you face, no matter how extraordinary the circumstances, and you’ll do it with a pun at the ready.

Despite your repetitive nature and lack of true ingenuity, everyone fondly remembers you and you invoke a certain sense of nostalgia.

You have a habit of painstakingly describing the outfits of everyone around you.

Your town is one of those towns where everyone knows you by name with the exception of that mysterious shopkeeper who’s just opened a spooky curios store around the corner from your house.

Every time you see an unfamiliar place—particularly a dark, dank one—you feel the need to explore it, even though that’s never panned out for you before.

Your parents ship you off to summer camp, your grandma’s house, your cousin’s cabin, and other locales uncomfortably often, but you wouldn’t tell them that.

You pride yourself on being tough, even though you know deep down that you’re just as scared as any other kid.

You feel the need to prove something.

Your friends are a terrible influence.

Your hobbies—magic, ventriloquism, a Fab Four-style garage band—are charmingly antiquated.

You have trust issues, but not the kind where you don’t trust anyone; instead, you trust everyone, and you trust them way too easily.

You’re sure the popular kids would like you if they just got to know you, but you’re doomed to stay average the rest of your life.

You have a best friend, and the two of you do everything together. It’s not just because you like each other that much, though; it’s more that when you’re separated, terrible things tend to happen.

Your sense of humor is terrible.

You get made fun of sometimes. It’s hurtful, and you’d do almost anything to teach your tormentors a lesson. Almost.

You’re a bit young to speak and act the way you do, but no one seems to notice that.

You can’t wait till it’s your turn to care for the class pet.

You always answer the phone even when you get the nagging feeling that you really shouldn’t.

The science fair is right around the corner and you’ll be devastated if you don’t win.

You have a rival, and your rivalry is well documented to the point that your typically passive parents are concerned. 

Look behind you.

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Christy Admiraal lives in Manhattan, where she works as a copywriter and editor. She enjoys comedy podcasts, horizontally striped shirts, and inserting her cats’ names into popular song lyrics.

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