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Home: The Toast

Hello, fellow internet enjoyers! Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you have a REALLY STRONG AND IMPORTANT opinion regarding something that doesn’t concern you in the slightest? No expertise to weigh in with? Would your opinion be unwelcome and offensive just by merit of you chiming in, regardless of substance? Yeah, me too. Constantly.

Luckily, with my PATENT-PENDING system, I have mastered the art of OPINION DEFUSEMENT. Come with me on this journey.

 

METHOD ONE: Shh

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Okay, look around. Are you at home? In public? Alone? Surrounded? It literally doesn’t matter. Put your phone down or close your laptop. Ever feel smug publicly? Feels nice, huh. Feeling smug quietly is the real hi-test shit, my friend. You’ll thank me.

 

You know how to shut up, don’t you? You just put your lips together and not blow.

 

METHOD TWO: Put it somewhere

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Write it down. It’ll feel nice. Feed it to a dog. I don’t care. Scream it into a pillow or whisper it into the oncoming wind.

Look your cat right in her stupid, fat face and tell her what’s going on in your mind. It’s her problem now.

 

METHOD THREE: Delete your account, life

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Leave modern life behind and enter the exciting, fast-paced world of radical self-reliance! The only “tweeting” you have to worry about here is coming from actual bird! Haha, get it! Watch out for the birds though, they know how to go right for the eyes.

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Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. You can find his weekly comics here, or on twitter here.

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