Jasmine’s previous imaginary girlfriend was Michelle Obama.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, full skirts would make you look like a ballerina. And like a ballerina, every time you entered a room, you would twirl and your skirts would flutter like butterflies are dancing around you.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, your skin would be luminous at all times, like someone rubbed pearls on it every night (someone would rub pearls on it every night, because Lupita Nyong’o’s your girlfriend).
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, you would try over and over to convince her to wear some of the fabulous high strappy shoes she gets offered for every event instead of those dowdy low-heeled grandma-shaped ones she always wears. Finally, in a huff, she’d hand a pair to you and tell you YOU can wear them if you feel so strongly about it. At the end of the night, when your feet were killing you, she’d give you the pair of flats she brought for you in her purse, and she wouldn’t even look smug.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, you’d be able to move straight from relaxed to natural hair without a lengthy transition period.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, you’d do a perfect cat eye, every time, even with that dull eyeliner pencil rolling around at the bottom of your purse.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, you’d buy a lot of big floppy hats that look fabulous on you, because you’d get invited to many garden parties where big floppy hats are necessary.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, she’d make your coffee for you every morning, even though she doesn’t like coffee, and you’d make her tea for her every afternoon, even though you don’t like tea. You’d never push your favorite drinks on one another, but after a few months, she’d start liking coffee, and you’d get a taste for tea.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, Kate Middleton would never wear nude shoes again.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, when you wear your hair differently for the first time around white people, they’d just say “Your hair looks great!” instead of touching it and saying “Wow, your hair is…different. How do you get it to do that?”
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, someone would bring you a flute of Champagne at 5pm on the dot no matter where you were, accompanied by a nice cheese plate.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, you’d sit on her bed and watch while she and her stylist planned her outfit for the Golden Globes. You’d argue hard that she could pull off the dress with the wild patterns instead of the one with the more demure pattern. When she got a Well Played from the Fug Girls after she wore it, she’d text you the link with a smiley face emoji.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, no one would ever misspell your name.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, you’d get advance copies of all of the books you were most looking forward to, and you and Lupita would read them together, outside in the sun, lying in twin hammocks, with big sunglasses on and tall glasses of sweet/tart lemonade on a high table between you.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, the two of you would find the best barbeque in whichever town you visited. Lupita’s people would always want to drop her name so you wouldn’t have to wait in long lines, but she wouldn’t want that kind of treatment at a barbeque joint, so you’d both wear jeans and sneakers (and she’d wear a hat) so you could go there incognito. You’d disagree on your favorite cut of meat (she prefers ribs, you like brisket best), but that just means you always get to try both. You would both be always too full for dessert, so you’d take an entire peach cobbler to go and have it for breakfast the next morning.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, you’d be able to pull off wearing a cape. You wouldn’t ever really do it, but you’d know that you could do it, and that’s what matters.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, every nail polish would last as long as gel nail polish, except without the difficult removal process.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, she’d share with you in total confidence the time George Clooney tried to prank her. She overheard him telling Amal about his plan (Amal wasn’t paying attention, she was on a conference call). Before he could carry out his plan, she tripped him so he fell into the canal. As she laughed for the paparazzi cameras as she helped him out, she whispered in his ear “Next time it’s poison. I don’t like pranksters.” She never had to worry about him again.
Tags: beauty, jasmine guillory, love, lupita, relationships
This is exactly what I needed this morning.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, that shrine in your closet that you’ve erected to her face and dress sense and general existence would be just a tad awkward.
THANK GOD I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE
This is the ideal life. Thank you for putting it all into words.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, a party on a yacht would sound fun instead of terrifying.
THIS IS PERFECTION
I know it’s like ugh who cares but just let me say that I ACTUALLY KNOW LUPITA SHE WAS IN MY GRAD SCHOOL CLASS AND WE WERE NEVER BESTIES OR ANYTHING BUT THIS WHOLE THING IS PRETTY FUCKING COOL AND SURREAL
YAAAAY LUPITA!
okay sorry about that guys. carry on.
Best smile ever, right guys? It’s definitely in the running for greatest of all time.
She’s just so radiant!
If Lupita Nyong’o were MY girlfriend, she’d wonder what drugs she’d been taking and have me thrown out in the street. And rightfully so.
Filed unambiguously under Beauty.
If Cocteau were alive now, I think he wouldn’t make La Belle et la Bête if Lupita weren’t available.
*sigh* This was precisely the soothing moment I needed today.
Also, re: barbecue: pulled pork is the answer.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, regional barbecue debates would not tear you apart. You would respect one another’s protein choices and not mutter snarky “pour enough vinegar on it and anything tastes good”/”smoke it for three days and even leather is edible” comments. Likewise, Chicago and New York would set aside their pizza differences. (The use of an entire pickled pepper on a hot dog would remain indefensible.)
*hyperventilating sobby noises*
I love her so mu-huh-huh-huh-huch
Marry me
If Lupita Nyongo were my girlfriend, I wouldn’t be scared of balloons anymore.
I feel so soothed and at peace.
The Clooney shenanigans make me want Lupita Nyong’o: Secret Professional Assassin.
OMG. Can we please remake the Mission: Impossible movies or let her be Bourne or some kind of gloriously Bond-esque super spy? Is that a thing we can do??
I’m looking at the design of the new Nova on this page and thinking that, if Marvel is going to introduce a version of the character into the Marvel Cinematic Universe, they could do better than having yet another white male in the role.
100% would watch any movie with Lupita Nyong’o as a super-spy. Could we Kickstarter it?
It may not be a thing *I* can do, but it is TOTALLY a thing *We* can do.
Of course I would love to have Lupita as my girlfriend, but as that’s not happening I’m wondering if I can just get the part about the champagne and cheese plate at 5 pm every day? There must be some sort of service for that, surely.
the kate middleton one
PLEASE
(the rest of this is perfect and beautiful too, I think I need a throuple with her and Tom Hardy now)
I'm looking at the design of the new Nova on this page and thinking that, if Marvel is going to introduce a version of the character into the Marvel Cinematic Universe, they could do better than having yet another white male in the role.
If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, Kate Middleton would never wear nude shoes again.
If only.
I’m going to start whispering “Next time it’s poison” every time I pass anyone some form of consumable. “Hey, I made you a cup of coffee! Next time it’s poison!” “Does anyone want a croissant? I brought croissants. (Next time it’s poison.)” “Sure, I can pass you the last slice. But NEXT TIME IT’S POISON.”
“…Someone would bring you a flute of Champagne at 5pm on the dot no matter where you were, accompanied by a nice cheese plate.”
I just wished for this so hard, my nose started bleeding.