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Home: The Toast

Jasmine’s previous imaginary girlfriend was Michelle Obama.

If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, full skirts would make you look like a ballerina. And like a ballerina, every time you entered a room, you would twirl and your skirts would flutter like butterflies are dancing around you.

If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, your skin would be luminous at all times, like someone rubbed pearls on it every night (someone would rub pearls on it every night, because Lupita Nyong’o’s your girlfriend).

If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, you would try over and over to convince her to wear some of the fabulous high strappy shoes she gets offered for every event instead of those dowdy low-heeled grandma-shaped ones she always wears. Finally, in a huff, she’d hand a pair to you and tell you YOU can wear them if you feel so strongly about it. At the end of the night, when your feet were killing you, she’d give you the pair of flats she brought for you in her purse, and she wouldn’t even look smug.

If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, you’d be able to move straight from relaxed to natural hair without a lengthy transition period.

If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, you’d do a perfect cat eye, every time, even with that dull eyeliner pencil rolling around at the bottom of your purse.

If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, you’d buy a lot of big floppy hats that look fabulous on you, because you’d get invited to many garden parties where big floppy hats are necessary.

If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, she’d make your coffee for you every morning, even though she doesn’t like coffee, and you’d make her tea for her every afternoon, even though you don’t like tea. You’d never push your favorite drinks on one another, but after a few months, she’d start liking coffee, and you’d get a taste for tea.

If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, Kate Middleton would never wear nude shoes again.

If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, when you wear your hair differently for the first time around white people, they’d just say “Your hair looks great!” instead of touching it and saying “Wow, your hair is…different. How do you get it to do that?”

If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, someone would bring you a flute of Champagne at 5pm on the dot no matter where you were, accompanied by a nice cheese plate.

If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, you’d sit on her bed and watch while she and her stylist planned her outfit for the Golden Globes. You’d argue hard that she could pull off the dress with the wild patterns instead of the one with the more demure pattern. When she got a Well Played from the Fug Girls after she wore it, she’d text you the link with a smiley face emoji.

If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, no one would ever misspell your name.

If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, you’d get advance copies of all of the books you were most looking forward to, and you and Lupita would read them together, outside in the sun, lying in twin hammocks, with big sunglasses on and tall glasses of sweet/tart lemonade on a high table between you.

If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, the two of you would find the best barbeque in whichever town you visited. Lupita’s people would always want to drop her name so you wouldn’t have to wait in long lines, but she wouldn’t want that kind of treatment at a barbeque joint, so you’d both wear jeans and sneakers (and she’d wear a hat) so you could go there incognito. You’d disagree on your favorite cut of meat (she prefers ribs, you like brisket best), but that just means you always get to try both. You would both be always too full for dessert, so you’d take an entire peach cobbler to go and have it for breakfast the next morning.

If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, you’d be able to pull off wearing a cape. You wouldn’t ever really do it, but you’d know that you could do it, and that’s what matters.

If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, every nail polish would last as long as gel nail polish, except without the difficult removal process.

If Lupita Nyong’o were your girlfriend, she’d share with you in total confidence the time George Clooney tried to prank her. She overheard him telling Amal about his plan (Amal wasn’t paying attention, she was on a conference call). Before he could carry out his plan, she tripped him so he fell into the canal. As she laughed for the paparazzi cameras as she helped him out, she whispered in his ear “Next time it’s poison. I don’t like pranksters.” She never had to worry about him again.

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Jasmine Guillory is a lawyer in Oakland, CA. She has very strong feelings about children's books, cheese-related snack foods, and Scandal.

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