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Home: The Toast

Ever find yourself thinking about how small you are, compared to the rest of the universe? Here are some solutions. I am an expert.

Grab a pencil. You’re way bigger than that thing! Yeah, wave it around. Nice.

DO NOT LOOK AT THE SKY. REPEAT: THE SKY IS YOUR ENEMY

Light a match. You are master of the flame. Mazel tov.

DO NOT look too deeply into the flames. You will see only the inside of your own mind. Dark, terrible things. Do not seek the truth as there is only one: everything dies.

Find something that’s kind of heavy but not too heavy. Pick it up, throw it around. You’re manipulating space-time! Functionally, you are God.

DO NOT JUMP. You will not go as far as you want. You are a prisoner on this garbage Earth.

Hold your hands up and wiggle your fingers around. You are the master of your own body! Wow.

DO NOT think about how every one of your bodily functions is largely involuntary or how your conscious mind is but a sliver of your brain, the same one that’s likely already decaying. Death is inevitable, sure, but those fingers are wigglin’ up a storm!

Acquire an animal that will die without you. This can be a human. You are IMPORTANT.

Do not look at pictures of other animals or humans that are doing just fine and will never know you exist, nor admire your works. Will they mourn your death? No. No more than you mourn the death of a star in a distant universe, dead for a thousand thousand years before the unfortunate coincidence of your birth. Yeah, better not look at the pictures.

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Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. You can find his weekly comics here, or on twitter here.

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