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Home: The Toast

Previously in this series: If Lupito Nyong’o Were Your Girlfriend

If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, you would wake up one day to find that your bedroom was now decorated in a way that you had only ever dreamed of in your most secret heart. The duvet would be soft, the paint color soothing, and your favorite childhood stuffed animal would sit on the nightstand. You would walk into the kitchen, where Blake Lively was making you pancakes, thinking you’d ask her how this happened. But she’d serve you a pancake and you’d be so boggled to realize she’d made an exact replica of your face out of cake batter that you’d forget all about the bedroom.

If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, you’d keep a beehive on the roof. When you tended to it, you would wear skin-covering clothes, a netted hat, and long gloves. Blake Lively would wear sunglasses, a crop top, and linen shorts. “It’s cool,” she’d say. “The bees know me.” She would never get stung.

If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, you’d complain that you had nothing to wear, and she’d go into her closet and pull out exactly what you wanted but could never find when you went shopping. “You can have this,” she’d say, and despite the fact that you have an entirely different size and body-type than she does, it would somehow fit perfectly.

If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, she would hold your hand to help you balance while you learned to walk in heels.

If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, you’d trip over a pile of empty mason jars in her apartment and complain that you’d stubbed your toe. She’d hand you a cake pop that was so delicious you’d forget all about your toe. The next time you came over to visit, the mason jars would be filled with multicolored sand and stacked against the wall, forming a perfect sand recreation of Guernica. “You were so right,” she’d say. “I really needed to do something with those.”

If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, she’d braid your hair into a design representing Your Inner Strength and everyone who saw you would compliment you on wearing Your Inner Strength so gracefully.

If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, she would tell you all the most scandalous behind-the-scenes stories from Gossip Girl, but she’d do it in such an upbeat, positive way that you wouldn’t feel dirty for knowing them all.

If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, you would own an oyster plate. You would know how to buy oysters for it. And you would appreciate the sophisticated differences in taste depending on where the oysters were harvested and no longer think that all oysters taste like salty snot.

If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, the minute you started to feel down when she was away, Amber Tamblyn, America Ferrera, or Alexis Bledel would show up on your doorstep with a casserole. When you asked how they knew, they’d say, “She leaves a handmade Post-it with a date and time on top of the dish.”

If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, when you were applying for a job you weren’t sure you were qualified for, she’d give you a pep talk by saying, “Listen, I once played the vice president of an aircraft company. The brunette vice president of an aircraft company. You can do this. Now give me the name of the hiring manager. I’ll have the bees send her some honey.”

If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, you’d come home on the first warm day of spring to find your backyard patio transformed into a faux-beach, with tealights sparkling from mason jars and pink drinks served in mason jars. The drinks would be made with watermelon, mint, lime and coconut, all of which were grown by Blake. You’d look at the multicolored sand on your patio and the mason jars and say, “But, Guernica?” Blake Lively would wave a tastefully-adorned hand at you and say, “It’s nearly summer. I want to do a Monet next.”

If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, your baby-name list would be Bertram, Charlemagne, and Hubert for the boys and Edward, Henry, and Connor for the girls.

If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, Martha Stewart would hand-make a jabot for your baby.

If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, you would vacation in a small Croatian fishing village that was home to the last 3 women on earth to weave lace out of visitors’ hair. While you were waiting for your hair-lace doily to be finished, Blake would fashion a frame for it out of the fish bones from your dinner.

If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, you would find yourself correctly using saponified, rubicund, and glissade in casual conversation despite having never heard the words before.

If Blake Lively were your girlfriend, every sunset would contain at least three distinct shades of pink. After the sun went down, you would play flashlight tag with your leather-wrapped flashlights and fireflies would alight in your hair.

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Lyette Mercier actually loved all of these jobs, except for the one with the rats.

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