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Home: The Toast

talkingHello, Internet Readers! By now, you must have read about The Thing in the news or at least heard about The Thing.  You might have some thoughts about The Thing. I certainly do! Here they are. If you are not familiar with the thing, good! Stay here and read my take on the The Thing, which is very important. My take, that is.

Now, I know that most Things aren’t black or white, and understanding how to navigate the moral grey area is an important part of critical thought. That said: The Thing is bad. Full stop. Many of you have thought that The Thing was good. I’m here to tell you that it’s bad. You might not have considered this because your brain doesn’t work like mine. How does my brain work? I’m glad you asked.

Here are the steps to critical thought:

1: Be edgy as hell. A lot of this is buying the right pants. Also, be smart. But not in a quantifiable way, just tell everyone you’re very smart.

2: Read what other, less edgy and smart people are saying.

3: Have the opposite opinion. Congrats!

If you are doing anything different than this, you are doing it incorrectly and YOU, my friend, are doing the entire planet Earth an intellectual disservice by thinking differently than me. Take it from me, a VERY smart person: I’m ONLY right, ever! Did you know there are adults out there AGREEING with opinions they read (that aren’t mine) instead of being smart like me?

I remember as a young person, I read a review of a movie. Everyone thought this movie was really great! Realistic characterization, a tight plot, beautiful cinematography, riveting performances. I was talking to some friends who had seen the film, who were chatting about how much they enjoyed it. It was then I realized: What if it were instead bad? They said I hadn’t seen the movie yet, but what they did not realize is that NOT seeing the movie ACTUALLY afforded me the intellectual distance to judge it fairly! That REALLY got a big reaction! I’d figured it out. What good is an opinion if a single other person had it! I was the most interesting person in the world, and remain to be that to this day, which certainly explains why you’re reading my very important take!

Anyways, The Thing. It’s bad, how could you ever dare to think it was good? Get the hell out of here.

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Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. You can find his weekly comics here, or on twitter here.

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