Aubrey Hirsch’s previous Loco Parentis columns for The Butter can be found here.
From time to time, these think pieces appear in which some new dad explains how, now that he has a daughter, he totally understands the need for feminism. I used to hate them. It really irked me that these men could be so callous and dismissive toward their mothers, sisters, friends, romantic partners, co-workers, and the other-half-of-the-population in general until they had daughters and suddenly cared what life was like for women and girls.
But now that I’m a mother myself, I have to say I’ve changed my tune. I now understand how the biological sex of one’s children can completely shift one’s core beliefs. I’m proud to report that now that I’m a mother of two sons, I’ve experienced a position reversal of my own.
I no longer think there’s any role for feminism in society at all.
I used to consider myself a feminist. I thought women and men should be equally respected, equally compensated, and have equal opportunities. As a woman myself, I viewed the world with limited vision, only thinking about what would make my experiences here on planet Earth more comfortable and fulfilling.
Then I had my sons. Now I think about their experiences in the world. Their thoughts and feelings are the only ones that matter to me.
I look at my beautiful, silly, amazing boys and I realize that they do deserve to be paid more than their female counterparts in the workforce. They have both X and Y chromosomes and should be compensated accordingly.
I watch my toddler roll his toy trucks around, chase soap bubbles, play in the sprinklers at the park, and my concerns about the prevalence and persistence of rape culture just float away on a summer breeze.
And, I’ll be honest, now that I’m sure my offspring will never have to carry an unwanted pregnancy to term, I’m just not that worried about reproductive freedom. Birth control coverage? Meh. I’ll let my sons’ girlfriends worry about that.
Unobtainable beauty standards forced onto young women used to be a big concern of mine, but now? I don’t really think about it. My sons will never have to fret over the size of their breasts, the hue of their lips, or sporting a waist-to-hip ratio that can only be achieved with digital effects.
I don’t want my boys to have to think about issues of consent or the ways that women are socialized to be deferential. It only now occurs to me what an undue burden this is on the males among us.
And now I’m glad that there are no female presidents, that no women are currently represented on currency, and that only 20% of our legislators are women. I actually think that last number could be a little lower. Move over, ladies! Make some room for my sons, okay?
To say that welcoming my boys into my life has changed the way I look at the world would be a vast understatement. I see now how selfish I’ve been believing in gender equality. I just hope it’s not too late for my sons to experience the lives of privilege and entitlement I fought for so long to take away from them.
Becoming a parent changes you. It realigns your goals. It shifts your priorities. Mothers of sons, I know you’ll agree with me here. We can do better for our boys!
OK, that was scary for a minute! Good one.
For a minute I was like … This does not seem like the sort of piece I would want to see here…
For many minutes.
(I’m doing elder care for my mom post-cardiac surgery. The four words I’ve heard from everyone on her 200+-person update list other than my dad are “How can I help?”
So it’s been kind of long day / long two months since surgery / long three years since her symptoms started.)
Wow… Hang in there. Do what you need to do to get help. Accept the help people are willing to give, and try to understand that somepeople just won’t help, no matter how much you want them to… I know it’s frustrating, but you shouldn’t let that stop you from asking for help from the people that want to help. I’m glad you have lots of people who are willing to lend a hand, and you should never be afraid to ask them! I always say “how can I help?” and then really hope people suggest something useful, because sometimes I have a hard time figuring out how to help. Um, some or all of this may not apply to your situation, but it just brought back a lot of memories for me and I wanted to share…Also I feel like I used the word “help” about 1000 times too many in this comment, sorry, it’s late…
That is so very kind.
“Also I feel like I used the word “help” about 1000 times too many in this comment, sorry,”
LOL. No apologies necessary!
I will pray for you! (I’ve never been in this serious a situation, but in lower-stakes things I start handing men things and telling them where to put them, and it sometimes works. Maybe it would work to just assign him something, but maybe not, and you probably don’t need more people telling you how to do what you’re doing.)
Again, prayers!
“Again, prayers!”
Thank you, and keep them coming.
“in lower-stakes things I start handing men things and telling them where to put them”
Though Dad is a special case (in more than one sense) this ^^ is probably a skill I need to practice generally.
Thanks so much for the kind thoughts.
I feel like this piece is going to get a lot of approving “The Toast finally gets it!” reviews from clueless MRAs.
oooooh I hope so.
Also a lot of people going “wait, I get it, this is a joke…right?” and clearly not being sure.
Yas.
and then a spectacular/horrifying list of deleted comments from them!
I am already rubbing my hands with glee at the prospective deleted comments.
ME TOO
Finally, a voice for men! Now if someone could just speak up for white people…
this is written posthumously as the opening of this article caused my heart to stop.
couple of minor palpitations over here, too.
Clearly, she’s running a long game of having her sons rebel and turn into Angry Feminist Teens. Well played.
I, on the other hand, am raising my sons Strict Misandrist and live in fear that they will one day betray all of my values.
I have a brother, so I totally get this. When mom encouraged him to share his legos and video games with me, I’d refuse, because how is he supposed to step over women to get promotions in the workplace when he can’t even step over his own kid sister to get the rad see-through Nintendo controller?
In all seriousness I went to high school with some kids whose mom had a crazyass, far right religious blog and she posted stuff like this on the regular. So. There… are these people. Existing. For real. In the world.
(I would link – it’s delightfully nuts, sure to be appreciated by horrified Toasties – but also I don’t want to self-dox, so. Responsible choices I guess.)
noooooooooooo
It’s so batty that it’s actually amazing, though. Regarding the latest Planned Parenthood thing, she posted something like “How is this anything but cannibalism?!” And I wanted to troll so bad in the comments and just be like “Because no one is eating fetuses?”
I am related to those people. Yes, they are real. And even more horrifying when you have to watch their kids grow up. Kids who call me Aunt Rose. I fear for those kids.
I was told “Now that you have a boy, you’ll see things differently.” And they were right. I birthed a man! Feminism is dead!
It sounds like that person was trying to curse you 🙁
Having a son is all you ever wanted. Freud said so.
Lovely:” I watch my toddler roll his toy trucks around, chase soap bubbles, play in the sprinklers at the park, and my concerns about the prevalence and persistence of rape culture just float away on a summer breeze.”
Summer breeze.
Like the lady I once served who was looking for “The Pajama Game” because her son’s drama camp was doing it, who, when I said it was a great show to do because it had equal numbers of good parts for women and men, replied huffily “Well, that’s not very good news for my son!”
o.O
All I can think is that this is a MASSIVE subtweet aimed at every single U.S. Senator who voted against Planned Parenthood funding (and lost mwahahahahahahahahahaha). I mean, not all of them are only parents of sons, but I think this is relatively multi-purpose.
I swear I know women with only sons who actually reacted this way (well, who seem to think that the most pressing gender issues are how schoolteachers don’t recognize that boys can’t be expected to sit quietly in class like girls can naturally). It’s bizarre.
A close friend of mine (and yet!!!) with two sons shocked me by leaning a tad this way, actually. I don’t think she was even aware she was doing it. It wasn’t anything AGAINST women of course, it’s just that now she can see clearly how hard things can be for boys. How hard, and unfair, things can be for [her upper-middle class white] boys [in private schools]. The summer breeze comment in this piece was for humor but seriously, my friend’s womens-college feminist background is just fading away as her much more real-feeling fear for the well being of her two boys takes over the foreground. She had a “it’s hard for boys, too” argument that was not wrong, but was so out of touch sounding to me that clearly I’m still not over it.
Don’t worry, I yelled at her a bit and she conceded that the world is sexist against women, of course. But I could see it in her eyes, that just doesn’t bother her the way it used to. Amazing! Shocking! I have a daughter so I’m like 500% more mad than I used to be, and I was pretty mad to start with.
Stuff like this is not funny to me anymore after I found that a white male academic colleague — who used to be a friend — feels this way about any affirmative-action programs at our university because they’re not fair to him in that they lessen his chance of getting whatever resources, position, or award is at stake. LIke he theoretically gets how the US has a history of racism/sexism that should be addressed but just not if it impinges on him and his odds at success.
I worked for a horrible, awful woman who had just had a baby and needed help running her one-woman business. She was a staunch feminist, wrote her dissertation on sex workers, and frequently gave me passive aggressive speeches about how hard she’d worked, how she’s kicked and screamed her way up the professional ladder when men just got a free pass and looked down on her. All this is true, though none of it made her a good or a nice person.
But that baby was a boy, and one day she announced that she was glad she didn’t have a girl, because little girls just seem more delicate, somehow? He was just so robust, and playful, and she’d have to be so much more careful if he’d been a girl.
Ohhhhh, those feminists who are SO GLAD they had sons because they don’t have to negotiate princesses when they’re little and rape culture when they’re…still little, really.
(Edited because whoops, put in the wrong kind of child!)
But if theyre any kind of feminist, they really SHOULD, right? Like, teaching your boys about consent in an age-appropriate way is basically the least you can do as a feminist parent.
(I have OPINIONS about raising children with genders at all, but lets set that aside for a moment.)
One would think so. I mean, I know parenting is damned exhausting, but if “helping your daughters resist the perpetual and ubiquitous gendered messages of culture and commerce” would be too much effort, would doing the same for your sons really be any easier?
Fire trucks, dollhouses, pirate ships and princess dresses for any child who wants them, dammit! Also bodily autonomy and adults who protect and believe you.
Wow… Hang in there. Do what you need to do to get help. Accept the help people are willing to give, and try to understand that somepeople just won't help, no matter how much you want them to… I know it's frustrating, but you shouldn't let that stop you from asking for help from the people that want to help. I'm glad you have lots of people who are willing to lend a hand, and you should never be afraid to ask them! I always say “how can I help?” and then really hope people suggest something useful, because sometimes I have a hard time figuring out how to help. Um, some or all of this may not apply to your situation, but it just brought back a lot of memories for me and I wanted to share…Also I feel like I used the word “help” about 1000 times too many in this comment, sorry, it's late…
One would think so. I mean, I know parenting is damned exhausting, but if "helping your daughters resist the perpetual and ubiquitous gendered messages of culture and commerce" would be too much effort, would doing the same for your sons really be any easier?
Fire trucks, dollhouses, pirate ships and princess dresses for any child who wants them, dammit! Also bodily autonomy and adults who protect and believe you.
I will pray for you! (I've never been in this serious a situation, but in lower-stakes things I start handing men things and telling them where to put them, and it sometimes works. Maybe it would work to just assign him something, but maybe not, and you probably don't need more people telling you how to do what you're doing.)
Again, prayers!
Having a son is all you ever wanted. Freud said so.
I do not like this Toast AU.
I do not like it through and through.