1. “You seem like the sort of man who would prefer Arlo Guthrie’s ‘City of New Orleans’ to Steve Goodman’s.”

2. “Oh, you think you’re a Fool Saint like the insane minister’s wife who enacted miracles in the life of Robertson Davies’ Dunstan Ramsay? You’re just a fool, son.”

3. “I look forward to reading your book, should it ever be a $1.99 add-on when you purchase a 24 pack of recycled paper towels from Amazon.”

4. “You know how I can tell you’re not a book about Jesus’ love by the late Roman Catholic priest and thinker Henri Nouwen, who struggled with depression and his repressed sexuality but ultimately was infused with the goodness of the Lord? Because I CAN put you down!”

5. “Yeah, Henri Nouwen would see The Beloved in you, but I really struggle with it!”

6. “You remind me of David Caruso’s character in First Blood, in that you have red hair and lack moral courage.”

7. “Listening to you is like watching the flawed 1964 masterpiece Zulu, because you create an entertaining and false narrative of being an underdog in a system which is actually wildly tilted in your favor by distilling the larger story into a single unrepresentative incident.”

8. “You think you’re Joe Biden, but you’re really just an old white man who says weird things without regard for the people around him.”

9. “I don’t care enough to subtweet you, but I would favorite someone else’s subtweet about you if I was bored and casually watching TV while scrolling through my timeline.”

10. “Remember how margarine used to be sold as a white lump with a little dot of yellow food dye you stirred in after purchase? You clearly lost your yellow food dye before it could be stirred in.”