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Home: The Toast

That’s it, I’m done. I went to the dentist yesterday (and spent 20 minutes there before they told me they didn’t take my insurance even though their website said they did but actually it was the PPO and now the HMO but NEVERMIND), and while in the waiting room I overheard a strange voice. “Ask your dentist if Conscious Sedation is right for you!” it proclaimed joyfully, “During the procedure, you won’t be aware of time passing!”

There were other segments on things like Root Canals: Do You Even Know What They Are And Why They’re Completely Necessary, and Braces: Not Just For Teens!, and in the 20 minutes I spent there I was basically sold why I should be at the dentist.

Look, bud, I’m already there, and YOU’RE the schmucks who didn’t take my insurance in the first place. Don’t sell me root canals where I breathe funny gas through a Miss Piggy mask if you’re not gonna give up the dang goods. Anyway, I found out that this is totally a thing! There are multiple companies whose sole mission is to make video content for your dentist waiting room. “You know you need video to market and promote your dental practice,” says this spunky blond lady. No you do not! You do not need video! You need large amounts of fluoride and maybe a sign outside of a tooth with braces sitting on a toothbrush, but that’s about it!

What happened to the old fashioned dentists? The ones that were actually just barbers but would pull a tooth if you dared them? Dentists that didn’t need fancy video marketing tools, just weird plier-type tools and a spit bucket? If you need me I’ll be chewing rocks out of spite.

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