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Home: The Toast

Step 1: Believe in yourself.

Step 2: Collect smooth, round stones in preparation for building your nest.

Step 3: Buy your tickets from a reputable vendor like StubHub or Ticketmaster.

Step 4: Stretch.

Step 5: After the initial 40 days of mourning, sprinkle natron on the surface of the skin, then inside the chest cavity, as well as any internal organs wrapped and sealed in separate jars.

Step 6: Get plenty of rest.

Step 7: Visualize your goals. Be sure to set aside a “safety option” in case your first choice falls through.

Step 8: Make sure that the venue is suitable for the occasion and that you’ve scheduled it in advance, with plenty of time as a buffer both before and after. Times to avoid include just before lunch and the end of the day.

Step 9: Stay in one place until help arrives.

Step 10: Get ready to be open and vulnerable. Emotional availability is crucial.

Step 11: Prepare yourself to be reconciled by making an examination of conscience, seeing to it that you have been fasting since the hour of the Midnight Office.

Step 12: Point and shoot.

Step 13: Fan the grains into the air, allowing the wind to winnow the chaff harmlessly away.

Step 14: Tell a friend in order to set your intention and make your resolution public. Consider seeking out a mentor whose menstruation you’ve admired in the past.

Step 15: Add salt to taste.

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