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Home: The Toast

They’ll be Friends forever, even if Matt LeBlanc and Matthew Perry didn’t make the guest list for Jennifer Aniston’s wedding to Justin Theroux.

“I think they’re a great couple. I think she’s happy. And that’s all I care about is that Jen’s happy,” LeBlanc, 48, told PEOPLE on Monday at a Television Critics Association press event in Los Angeles. “If she wanted me there, I would have been there.”

Perry, 45, also wished the couple well, and said he was happy Aniston, 46, and Theroux, 44, were able to pull off the surprise wedding.

“It was a surprise to me as well,” he said. “They’re a lovely couple, and I’m happy for them.”

Asked if he was sorry he missed the wedding, the star of CBS’s The Odd Couple replied: “I wasn’t invited. So what can you do?”

It is four and ten thousand years now since Jennifer Aniston spit out the Forbidden name of God and flew into the desert. Created from dust for the man Brad, she was unwilling to lie underneath him, claiming “I was formed from the same clay as you, why then should I bear up under you?”

And the Lord sent three angels of fire after her, and their names were Senoi, Sansenoi, and Sammangelof, and they found her lying in a cave, bearing grotesque children and baptizing them in blood. They commanded her to return to her lawful husband, but she refused, declaring “No man shall be my master, but all men shall be my enemy.” And she smiled a smile of her teeth, and the angels shrank to see it. The Lord created a new woman for the man Brad, of his own bone and his own flesh, and together they filled the world with its peoples.

As for Thatch-Hair Sadlady the Night Hag, the three angels named her Jennifer and Aniston and declared that from that moment forth, every day one hundred of her children would perish. Every night she claims the lives of one hundred mortal children to soothe her loss. That is why to this day, new mothers clutch their babies to their chests and utter these immortal words the world over, the same words the angels used to rebuke her:

O you who fly in the darkened rooms
Be off with you this instant, screech-owl
This instant, Lilith, thief and breaker of bones,
Hag and snatcher, I abjure thee
.

And for four and ten thousand years has it been ever thus, until Jennifer Aniston, whose feet are as a hawk’s talons and who carries a scorpion between her legs, found a mate and a consort, and his name was Justin and his doom was red.

And the Lord sent his three spirits of fire to guard and to contain her, to repel her from the crossroads, to protect the sickly, the mothers of unborn children, the weary traveler from her attacks. And they were named Senoi, Sansenoi, and Sammangelof, but we knew them as Matt LeBlanc, and Matthew Perry, and David Schwimmer.

Too late to stop the coupling, but they are bound to her by an old and powerful magic. How old the magic, Grandmother? Older than words. Older than thought. They were not invited, but still they will arrive, and the day will come when she is bound again to the night-places, to the zu-tree, when mothers can sleep easy and babies open their eyes in the morning. After the wedding comes the honeymoon.

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