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Home: The Toast

Previously in this series: If Daniel Radcliffe were your boyfriend.

If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would order your latte using the dumb Starbucks lingo even though you know he would much rather have gone to the tiny independent coffee shop ten minutes out of the way rather than embarrassing you by arguing with the barista over the word “medium.”

If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would let you foster as many special-needs dogs as will responsibly fit in his mansion. He would make them tiny slings and wheelchairs in his workshop, and always shoo away the paparazzi when he’s walking them so they can have some dignity while they do their business.

If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would read books to you as you are trying to fall asleep, giving each character a different voice while taking the whole thing incredibly seriously.

If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would direct you in a remake of Waiting to Exhale in which he would cast you as all four leads simultaneously.

If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would never argue with you about the mesmerizing sex appeal of Doug Stamper on House of Cards (Ed. note: Sam, you are so fucking weird.) He would also not get up from the couch for twelve hours straight while watching every single with you, except maybe to pee or fetch you more cream-based dips.

If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would know instinctively to go first through a revolving door so you could go in behind him and not have to interrupt your texting to push.

If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would duet Patti LaBelle’s “On My Own” with you at karaoke and do a flawless Michael McDonald impression without embarrassing the shit out of you by coming in on the wrong cue or messing up any of the words. Because he practiced.

If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would always put the A/C on in the car, even if he wasn’t sure whether or not you wanted it because some people think 80 degrees is comfortable. (YOU DON’T.)

If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would wear the sweaters you buy for him, without complaint. He understands that he’s the kind of teddy bear who should wear cozy sweaters because they look goddamn adorable on him, and he would also understand he should hug you a lot while wearing them.

If Forest Whitaker were your boyfriend he would call it “making love,” and that would be fine with you, even though if anyone else called it that you’d be totally grossed out.

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Samantha Irby writes a blog called bitches gotta eat.

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