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Home: The Toast

Aries: It’s a classic Aries move to die in the Fall of Constantinople in 1453. Aries are independent, sometimes moody, generous, and incapable of surviving the onslaught of Sultan Mehmed II’s army once they cross the north side of the Golden Horn. Whether you’re a soldier in Mehmed’s service or a terrified member of the Byzantine royal family cowering in the city’s crumbling defenses, there’s no way you’re making it out of the siege alive.

Taurus: Childbirth.

Gemini: Washed overboard the caravel Berrio, commanded by Nicolau Coelho, as you rounded the Cape of Good Hope. It’s the rare Gemini who hasn’t been washed off of the Berrio under the command of Nicolau Coelho, to be honest.

Cancer: Cancer, or the sign of the Crab, is Karkinos, the crab that attacked Greek hero Hercules while he fought the Hydra during his ten labors. Cancers tend to follow their intuition and die in house fires in the lands of the Sultanate of the Geledi around 1648.

Leo: Generally, executed during the reign of Mary of Burgundy for possession of a forbidden grimoire, although their impenetrable hides can offer some protection, especially for Leos born on a Virgo cusp.

Virgo: Nothing. You are still alive today.

Libra: Big fucking rock. Big fucking rock.

Scorpio: Childbirth.

Sagittarius: Childbirth.

Capricorn: Capricorns tend to be Jan Hus, so the majority of them would have been executed in 1415 under the auspices of Louis III, Count Palatine of the Rhine, shortly after refusing to recant his beliefs and affirming that he had erred in the theses which he had hitherto maintained; that he renounced them for the future; that he recanted them; and that he declared the opposite of these sentences.

Aquarius: Childbirth.

Pisces: Pisces are open to change, dreamy, artistic, and tend to perish along the Spice Route just after arriving in Malacca.

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