ah, Achilles, you must be careful against the wrath of the sons of Priam
THEY WHO HAVE SLAIN PATROCLUS WILL DIE AT THE HANDS OF A NAKED MAN
NAKED IS MY SWORD, MY GRIEF, AND MY BODY
at least wear a helmet
BUT NOTHING ELSE
but if they shoot at anyplace on your body besides your head –
THEN THEY SHALL BE SHOOTING AT A NAKED AVENGING SPIRIT
a CAPE, Agamemnon?
yes, why not wear a FULL BODY SACK into battle?
are you ashamed of your iliac furrow, that you would drape your torso near-entire in some sort of shameful gown?
what kind of man wears clothes to war
war is for full nudity and a fancy hat
everyone knows that
EVERYONE knows that
how will the enemy see your nipples
leave the breastplate and the shield on the floor
where they belong
in my day all a man needed was a mustache and a carefully arranged penis sash to meet his enemies on the fields of battle
I’d rather die fighting than live in a world where a man has to cover his torso just to protect it from spears
at last, my love
I have shed the tunic and the armor of a boy
and donned the light sandals and the dick-ribbon of manhood
DRIVE ME INTO THE SEA IF YOU MUST
I’D RATHER DROWN THAN COVER THIS GLORIOUS NAVEL
would you put armor on Mount Olympus?
or a sunset?
or a beautiful, beautiful man?
BE SURE NOT TO AIM YOUR SPEARS AT THEIR HELMETS
THAT’S WHERE THEIR HELMETS ARE
and deny the other Greeks the sight of these shapely ankles?
what is even the point of warfare if you cannot compare your feet against those of the men of Troy?
get your…get yourself and those clothes back in the house before someone sees you like this
for God’s sake
I cannot even see your buttocks
“take a breastplate with you, Gaius,” she said
“at least cover your genitals and major arteries,” she said
“if you even just wore a cloak you’d have something to store food and arrows in,” she said
every man in the cohort may be dropping dead by my side
but GET THIS ARSE
VICTORY AT LAST, LADS
NO NEED FOR FORMALITIES
TAKE THOSE RIDICULOUS SHOES OFF, LET ME SEE YOUR TOE-STRAPS
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.