Previously by Lindsay King-Miller: A Hole Album in Which California is Not a Metaphor for Anything and Being a Woman is Super Chill
So you got a super-short haircut! Good for you. You look awesome like that, and your eyes totally pop. But maybe you’ve decided it’s not quite the right look for you after all. Maybe you’re finding yourself inconvenienced by all the queer women, enamored with your bold and patriarchy-defying look, who follow you everywhere. (“Really, ladies, I’m just trying to order a latte,” you plead, but TO NO AVAIL.) Or maybe you’ve just had your hair short for a while and you’re ready for a change! I know that feeling well. So, how do you go from short-cropped to long, luscious locks without having to spend a lot of time in that awkward in-between stage? Here are some tried-and-true techniques:
Give your hair inspirational pep talks every morning, encouraging it to grow as fast as it can and reach its full potential. Make a playlist of invigorating songs to get your hair’s energy and confidence up.
Tie small weights to the ends of your hair to make it grow faster.
Wear an enormous, distracting necklace, so no one will look at whatever weird thing your hair is doing today.
Pull out all your eyelashes and eyebrows and glue them to the top of your head.
Become a professional skier, or a bank robber, or any other career that allows you to wear a hat and/or mask at all times.
Dye your hair in vertical stripes. This will create an optical illusion of greater length.
Many people experience a surge in hair growth during pregnancy, so get pregnant. If this is not possible right now, try to trick yourself into thinking you are pregnant by making a recording of the words “DO YOU KNOW THE SEX YET?” that you listen to eight times a day.
Wear wigs. A different wig every day. Add large sunglasses and a turned-up collar. Never use your real name.
Save up your split ends and bury them, along with a red stone and an egg with two yolks, by the light of a new moon. This will improve hair growth, unless you face northwest while chanting the Secret Words, in which case it will summon the demon Aphelth, who will devour your pancreas.
Feed your hair. It needs nutrients to grow! Smash fresh, organic vegetables and cage-free poultry onto your head three times a day. Don’t give your hair dessert very often, as this can lead to moral laxity.
Stop shampooing. This will prevent damage from over-washing, which can inhibit hair growth, and it will also make people want to be around you less, so they won’t see your weird medium-length hair.
Be lithe and androgynous like Katherine Moennig, and look amazing with a hairstyle that no one else on Earth could pull off.
Live in a cave like a bear. Don’t forget to take a salon’s worth of hair product in there with you, so you can emerge with your long hair clean, shiny, and perfectly styled. Every day can be Kentucky Derby Party Day if you believe in yourself enough.
Avoid damaging your hair with excess heat or chemicals that can cause breakage. Keep your hair in a temperature-controlled vault and check in on it once a week so it doesn’t get too lonely.
If you’re growing out bangs, it’s important to make sure they blend in with the rest of your hair. Drill them on their new identity over and over until they can recite the salient facts in their sleep.
Keep the back of your hair short while letting the front grow out. Divide and conquer. If you can engender competition between the disparate sectors of your hair, it will inspire faster growth.
Build a tower around yourself with no stairs and no door. You can’t get out until your hair is long enough to climb down. Having a clear goal in mind will really help you kick things into gear.
Go to grad school. Be so busy and stressed out (and, let’s be honest, drinking so much) that you completely fail to notice that your hair is growing out and looks super weird. Years in the future, look back at photos from this period and cringe.