Previously in this series: If Stephen Colbert Were Your Dad
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you’d take a special, spiteful pleasure in apprehending any criminal who dressed in plaid. Because all day, every day, you’d be SURROUNDED by plaid. On laundry day, you’d look into the hamper and yell, “Jesus H. Christ, it looks like the Brawny Man vomited into this thing!” and Chris Pine would chuckle from his seat on the couch and go, “Babe, I love you. You’re hilarious, do you know that?”
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you’d have an extremely busy schedule of dealing with thieves and villains, but you could always catch up on sleep in between rants about social media and the death of authenticity.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, he’d completely understand when you want to stay in after a tough day of being a badass boss. He’d pour you a glass of wine, order a pizza, and flip off the gawking paparazzi from the bedroom terrace. “Thanks for staying in with me tonight,” you’d say, and he’d reply, “Are you kidding? I love hanging out at home with you.” Then he’d flip the bird two more times for good measure.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you’d never be able to go out for a nice dinner—not so much because you’re busy fighting crime, but because Chris Pine would take forty-five minutes alone to savor and rave to his fellow diners about the asparagus salad appetizer and dear god almighty, Chris, the poor waiters just want to go home. “Mmm…this asparagus is perfect,” he’d say. “Oh wow, this salad. Amazing.” And then you’d be jealous of a salad. Which is exactly what you need in your life.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, your magical, indestructible bracelets would often be repurposed as the following household items: doorstops, book placeholders, sex toys, pasta strainers, beer koozies.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you would have super strength, super speed, and a whole lot of other really impressive qualities, and yet Chris Pine would expect a medal for putting together an IKEA coffee table. “Bet you didn’t know I was handy, huh babe?” he’d ask you more than once.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, he’d take you onto the roof of your apartment building on your anniversary, to stargaze and drink champagne. He’d be barefoot, because of course he would be. And when a bird swooped down too close, mistaking his hair for a nest, he’d drop the champagne bottle and step on a shard of glass and you’d have to fly him to the hospital. “This is sure going to make a good story for the grandkids,” he’d say, and you would remind yourself that it’s bad press for superheroes to let their boyfriends bleed out on rooftops.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you’d try to get Batman and Superman to befriend him—you’d even convince them to let Chris Pine into their weekly poker game. That would last for approximately one week. “Dude, what’s with this guy?” Batman would say. BATMAN would say. THE GUY FOR WHOM THE PHRASE “What’s with this guy?” WAS INVENTED. Well, you tried, you’d think, and you’d start suggesting sex on Wednesday nights to distract him from the fact that he got kicked out of Bruce and Clark’s poker night.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, he’d beg you to use the Lasso of Truth on him. In bed.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you’d use the Lasso of Truth on him in bed and afterwards he’d spend hours talking about how much he looks up to his dad yet also can’t help but resent him, just a little, only sometimes, and also that one time he made out with Zachary Quinto in John Cho’s Star Trek trailer.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you’d think he was growing out his beard for kicks, and then you’d find out that he’s actually boycotting shaving until the gas station down the block starts selling fair trade coffee. When you tried to point out there’s no connection between the two, he’d roar “IT’S THE PRINCIPLE,” looking grizzled and cantankerous and vaguely reminiscent of your Great-Grandpa Murray, may he rest in peace.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, he’d text you in the middle of a high-stakes car chase: hey babe can you pick up my dry cleaning on the way home thx. also i’m in the mood for cantaloupe??? i dunno, just going with it.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you’d get yet another text right as you were about to take down a dangerous drug-trafficking syndicate: my therapist really wants you to come to a session soon. 2morrow? i can put it in your gcal.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you’d have to find some way to jam a packet of Kleenex into your extremely tight costume, for all the times when Chris Pine sheds a single, manly tear over racism or sexism or ableism or capitalism or futurism or whatever -ism he’s thinking about that day. Your cleavage would basically become a tissue box.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, he’d constantly bemoan the fact that he hasn’t yet been asked to appear in a Marvel film, unlike the other Hollywood Chrises. “You know I’m from the DC universe, right?” you’d say, and Chris Pine would tell reply, “You just don’t UNDERSTAND.” Then he would stomp down the hall and slam the bathroom door so loudly, his dog-eared copy of John Keats’ Selected Poems would fall right off the bookshelf.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, the sex would be good. Very good. Which is really all you’d need, because you’re Wonder Woman, damn it. You can do the rest yourself.
Okay BUT when are we going to get “If Mallory Ortberg Were Your Girlfriend” because it is something I have had legitimate dreams about.(P.S. this is delightful)
I feel like Nicole could write us a beautiful, passive-aggressive one full of all kinds of adorable and yet potentially unflattering realities. 🙂
I NEED THIS VERSION NOW.
This is… very specific.
I’m excited to see how far we’re going to push the specificity…
And yet endlessly relevant to my daily life.
The sad thing is that this, more than any of the other ones, reminds me of my actual relationships *stares blankly into the void*
Yeah, me too, except I’m the one with lots of plaid, birds trying to nest in my hair, and this asparagus is amazing.
And yet, somehow, totally accurate.
Eerily similar to my post-dropping out of college boyfriend, especially the Ikea coffee table. He was really impressed with himself for paying his whole share of rent and on time (once.) Later that year, he was let go from a part-time job at Spencer’s gifts.
I can’t really explain the life choices of 19-year-old me. Recently this dude messaged me on facebook and asked if I wanted to “party at his condo.” I blocked him, and it was liberating.
chortling heartily
I was fine until I got to the part about boycotting the gas station coffee, because apparently in my head, Chris Pine is basically the character he played in WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER FIRST DAY OF CAMP.
OH MY GOD THAT WAS CHRIS PINE!!!!! Somehow I watched the entirety of First Day of Camp thinking that was “James Marsden, maybe? or someone who looks vaguely James Marsden-ish?”
I’m glad I’m not the only one annoyed by the casting of Steve Trevor. I can see Chris Pine as Nemesis, but not as Steve. Give me a Jerry O’Connell, or if you absolutely must have someone named Chris in the role, Chris Klein would be fantastic.
Also, this was a thing of beauty.
This is the first moment I realized that this was more than just a random match-up. Makes the bit about his wanting to be in a Marvel movie more hilarious.
I started writing an “If _____ Were Your Boyfriend” in my head last night, and ran into some trouble because said (fictional) boyf is a highly specific sort of boyf … but I had not considered alt-universe-ing the series to this degree. I love it. Maybe re-tooling my concept is the key.
If I were Wonder Woman and I were heterosexual, I think I might be more inclined to date Jason Momoa as Aquaman. We’d have more in common, I wouldn’t worry about snapping him in half during sexxxy times, and also even though Chris Pine is fine and he can get it, Jason Momoa > Chris Pine.
This was amazing, but can’t Chris Pine carry his own dang Kleenex?
He can, he just always forgets it.
“…sifting through complicated feelings about Chris Pine.” YES TO THE YES.
“that one time he made out with Zachary Quinto in John Cho’s Star Trek trailer.”
Hold up…is this a real thing? I mean, I understand the premise of this series, and Google reveals nothing, but…tell me this is a real thing somewhere external to my imagination?
Does my imagination count as somewhere external to your imagination? Because it’s a thing there now, as well.
Love it.
““Dude, what’s with this guy?” Batman would say. BATMAN would say. THE GUY FOR WHOM THE PHRASE “What’s with this guy?” WAS INVENTED.”
Welp, look at all my feelings about the DC Universe wrapped up in one pretty paragraph.
JFC WHICH ONE IS CHRIS PINE!!???
(yes I saw all the pictures.)
Mocking Chris Pine–and his dumb face and everything about him god Chris Pine shut up–has long been a cherished pasttime of mine, so I’m very pleased this highly topical, relevant, and on-point article exists.
If I were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine was my boyfriend, I’d want to know where John Cho was when Chris was making out with Zachary on his trailer. Was he there watching? Did he give them the keys and ask them to put a sock on the doorknob? Or were they sneaking in because John Cho’s trailer had the best make-out couch? That’s what I would want to know.
John Cho was busy because he was making out with me, in a dark corner of the Enterprise set, during that filming break.
(but I’m sure he watched other times. Because lasso or not, you know it happened more than once. 😛 )
John Cho was away acting on location in another, superior universe in which he was cast as Steve Trevor.
Every time I see Chris Pine I expect a narrator to explain how this computer process generates such life-like actors. (The first beta build, Chris O’Donnel, had some design flaws.)
This is the first moment I realized that this was more than just a random match-up. Makes the bit about his wanting to be in a Marvel movie more hilarious.
Oh…. ” John Cho’s Star Trek trailer” refers to the vehicle trailer he had on set for Star Trek, not the movie preview/trailer for “John Cho’s Star Trek”. {sad face}
Who were you on ONTD_Trek??
Who were you on ONTD_Trek??