Previously in this series: If Stephen Colbert Were Your Dad
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you’d take a special, spiteful pleasure in apprehending any criminal who dressed in plaid. Because all day, every day, you’d be SURROUNDED by plaid. On laundry day, you’d look into the hamper and yell, “Jesus H. Christ, it looks like the Brawny Man vomited into this thing!” and Chris Pine would chuckle from his seat on the couch and go, “Babe, I love you. You’re hilarious, do you know that?”
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you’d have an extremely busy schedule of dealing with thieves and villains, but you could always catch up on sleep in between rants about social media and the death of authenticity.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, he’d completely understand when you want to stay in after a tough day of being a badass boss. He’d pour you a glass of wine, order a pizza, and flip off the gawking paparazzi from the bedroom terrace. “Thanks for staying in with me tonight,” you’d say, and he’d reply, “Are you kidding? I love hanging out at home with you.” Then he’d flip the bird two more times for good measure.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you’d never be able to go out for a nice dinner—not so much because you’re busy fighting crime, but because Chris Pine would take forty-five minutes alone to savor and rave to his fellow diners about the asparagus salad appetizer and dear god almighty, Chris, the poor waiters just want to go home. “Mmm…this asparagus is perfect,” he’d say. “Oh wow, this salad. Amazing.” And then you’d be jealous of a salad. Which is exactly what you need in your life.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, your magical, indestructible bracelets would often be repurposed as the following household items: doorstops, book placeholders, sex toys, pasta strainers, beer koozies.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you would have super strength, super speed, and a whole lot of other really impressive qualities, and yet Chris Pine would expect a medal for putting together an IKEA coffee table. “Bet you didn’t know I was handy, huh babe?” he’d ask you more than once.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, he’d take you onto the roof of your apartment building on your anniversary, to stargaze and drink champagne. He’d be barefoot, because of course he would be. And when a bird swooped down too close, mistaking his hair for a nest, he’d drop the champagne bottle and step on a shard of glass and you’d have to fly him to the hospital. “This is sure going to make a good story for the grandkids,” he’d say, and you would remind yourself that it’s bad press for superheroes to let their boyfriends bleed out on rooftops.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you’d try to get Batman and Superman to befriend him—you’d even convince them to let Chris Pine into their weekly poker game. That would last for approximately one week. “Dude, what’s with this guy?” Batman would say. BATMAN would say. THE GUY FOR WHOM THE PHRASE “What’s with this guy?” WAS INVENTED. Well, you tried, you’d think, and you’d start suggesting sex on Wednesday nights to distract him from the fact that he got kicked out of Bruce and Clark’s poker night.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, he’d beg you to use the Lasso of Truth on him. In bed.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you’d use the Lasso of Truth on him in bed and afterwards he’d spend hours talking about how much he looks up to his dad yet also can’t help but resent him, just a little, only sometimes, and also that one time he made out with Zachary Quinto in John Cho’s Star Trek trailer.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you’d think he was growing out his beard for kicks, and then you’d find out that he’s actually boycotting shaving until the gas station down the block starts selling fair trade coffee. When you tried to point out there’s no connection between the two, he’d roar “IT’S THE PRINCIPLE,” looking grizzled and cantankerous and vaguely reminiscent of your Great-Grandpa Murray, may he rest in peace.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, he’d text you in the middle of a high-stakes car chase: hey babe can you pick up my dry cleaning on the way home thx. also i’m in the mood for cantaloupe??? i dunno, just going with it.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you’d get yet another text right as you were about to take down a dangerous drug-trafficking syndicate: my therapist really wants you to come to a session soon. 2morrow? i can put it in your gcal.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, you’d have to find some way to jam a packet of Kleenex into your extremely tight costume, for all the times when Chris Pine sheds a single, manly tear over racism or sexism or ableism or capitalism or futurism or whatever -ism he’s thinking about that day. Your cleavage would basically become a tissue box.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, he’d constantly bemoan the fact that he hasn’t yet been asked to appear in a Marvel film, unlike the other Hollywood Chrises. “You know I’m from the DC universe, right?” you’d say, and Chris Pine would tell reply, “You just don’t UNDERSTAND.” Then he would stomp down the hall and slam the bathroom door so loudly, his dog-eared copy of John Keats’ Selected Poems would fall right off the bookshelf.
If you were Wonder Woman and Chris Pine were your boyfriend, the sex would be good. Very good. Which is really all you’d need, because you’re Wonder Woman, damn it. You can do the rest yourself.
Nicole Steinberg is the author of Getting Lucky (Spooky Girlfriend Press) and a few poetry chapbooks, including Undressing (dancing girl press) and Clever Little Gang (Furniture Press). She lives in Philadelphia, where she spends too much time sifting through complicated feelings about Chris Pine.