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Previously in this series: If Nigella Lawson Were Your Girlfriend

Tilda Only Lovers

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d be mostly vegan, although Tilda says labels are for the uncreative. You’d marvel at her silo full of legumes, and the only meat you’d eat would be the brown trout that the twins catch on the banks of the firth. You’d feel guilty about that time at your parents’ house when Tilda ate—and loved—pork rinds, since you didn’t realize that she didn’t know they were meat. But, as Tilda says, “One must be prepared for anything while visiting the American Deep South.”

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, she’d be pleased to loan you anything from her closet, even though nothing ever looks quite right on you and is always several inches too long. You’d try not to act like it was a big deal when Tilda showed you her old christening gown, which was woven before the Norman Conquest.

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d always keep a bottle of Madeira on hand, just in case her dad stopped in while touring the estates. Everybody would call him “Sir John” except for Tilda, who would refer to him as “The Major General.”

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d spend weeks planning Christmas pantomimes for her with the rest of the family, although you’d usually get stuck painting John Byrne’s elaborate set pieces when Honor and Xavier wander off to fence in the garden. You wouldn’t care, though, because Tilda never looks more beautiful than she does when she claps her hands with delight, noting how well you shaded the winter lindens, just so.

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d wait at the door with a hot cup of tea when she came up the walk from the back garden in the early morning light, glowing and smudged with dirt from picking purple-sprouted broccoli for the day’s lunch, and you would truly, finally, feel at peace.

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, your favorite day would be Sunday, when all the boys drove into the village and the two of you tended the sheep together. In shearing season, Tilda would sing to calm the lambs while you carded their wool. You’d get really good at it. No, we mean really good.

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, an albino peacock would begin to seem like a perfectly acceptable – in fact, optimal – pet.

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d also have three Cairn terriers, each named for one of Derek Jarman’s given names.

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you would be thrilled to help her weave a lengthy rope swing for her next performance art piece. She’d have trouble deciding whether to do it at the Guggenheim or the Mall of the Americas.

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d get used to the Coen Brothers texting her “tilde” symbols at random moments. She would only take a second to nod before getting back to your Scrabble game.

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, she’d look you right in the eyes and say you were tastier than tobacco cream.

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, she’d call everyone “darling,” but you’d always know which one of you she meant by the color of her voice.

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d find random crystals around your house and when you asked why, she’d reply, calmly, “Vortex points.” You would definitely feel sudden bursts of energy depending on which room you were in.

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, your favorite color would be amber, because according to a mystic healer the two of you visited in Kraków, that’s the color of Tilda’s aura.

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d never fight verbally, but If either of you felt a disagreement coming on you’d paint your feelings on a wall in various shades of grey and cream. By the time you were done, you’d be sprawled on the floor laughing, lovingly wiping the paint streaks off each other’s faces with a linen cloth.

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you would eschew cosmetics. You wouldn’t feel the need to use a mirror either, but if you saw your own reflection, you’d smile in appreciation at the way your bare eyelashes glittered in the afternoon sun.

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d lie in bed together on rainy mornings drinking Turkish coffee and reading Grimms’ Fairy Tales out loud from a first edition that was passed down to Tilda from a distant relative. You’d cackle at the overly violent stories, charmed by Tilda’s perfect German accent.

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you would speak flawless French and your soufflés would never fall. Like, you wouldn’t even know that soufflés could fall.

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d blush when she bragged to her friends about how quickly you mastered Vrksasana.

If Tilda Swinton were your girlfriend, you’d realize at last that age doesn’t matter, and time is all relative – you would feel this acutely, deep in your soul. Even though your family might question your relationship at times (they are rather traditional), you wouldn’t be bothered, because you’d know that human connection is measured in so much more than years.

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Jenny is an anthropologist and writer who digs weird ecology, sci-fi fandom, and books on paper, and hopes to stumble across King Arthur one of these days. She tweets about culture and the environment here. Breanna works for a national nonprofit but really just wants to be at the beach. She enjoys a nice glass of Malbec, reading Harry Potter books on repeat, British comedy, and recommending local restaurants to out-of-towners. Breanna and Jenny lived together once and are forever roommates in their hearts.

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