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Home: The Toast

Previously in movie yelling: Mad Max and Jupiter Ascending

Nicole: Okay, let’s just get this out of the way IMMEDIATELY: obviously this is the greatest movie ever made.
Mallory: I think at ten different points throughout the movie one or both of us leaned over to the other and said “This is the best movie I have ever seen.”
Nicole: It was really important to me that we be of one mind, bc if we had seen it with a person who didn’t UNDERSTAND how good this movie was, I would have garroted them with my purse strap and an unwrapped tampon
Mallory: WHICH WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IN THIS EXCEEDINGLY VIOLENT MOVIE.
This movie DELIVERED on all points. It gave us exactly what it promised.
Someone on Twitter described it as “Jane Eyre plus Eddie Murphy’s ‘The Haunted Mansion’ and that is what it was. No more, no less.
Nicole: It was like the inside of a Gusher candy. It was perfect. All fabrics were either completely transparent or made of horsehair. Also: one of the BEST murders I have ever seen, hands-down, and perhaps a conscious homage to the curb-stomping in American History X?
Mallory: OH MY GOD, YES. Sink-stomping.
Nicole: I love that my one vain attempt to avoid spoilers has been immediately shoved aside, and now we can spoil with a right good will. INCEST SIBLINGS MURDER IN BLOOD CASTLE!
Mallory: I mean, if you want to avoid Crimson Peak spoilers, do not read articles about Crimson Peak
problem solved
Nicole: That seems fair.

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Mallory: I love how, like, the first half of the movie
I kept thinking, “Sure, these siblings are creepy, and it’s so obvious there must be a BIGGER secret, like they’re actually married and pretending to be siblings, or something.”
but no
they were just fucking.
Nicole: NOPE! Because this movie never disappoints! It knew what we wanted: incest siblings. Pale, wan incest siblings. Genes that needed airing out.
Now, let’s talk about Tom.
Mallory: I WANTED TO KICK HIS TEETH IN SO MUCH.
Nicole: I finally understand Tom Hiddleston as a Thing now, which I never had before! So spindly and greasy, so un-Thor.
You were SO MEAN about him.
He changed!
Mallory: Remember how I kept hissing “KICK HIS TEETH IN” whenever he was on screen?
Nicole: You really did! And my lip was wobbling and I wanted to redeem him so badly.
Mallory: uuugh, his courtship of Edith was so FEEBLE
Nicole: He changed his mind about being terrible at LEAST 15 minutes before the end
Mallory: with his shitty Lyle Lanley business plan
“I’ve sold clay machines to Ogdenville, Brockway, and North Haverbrook, and by gum, it put them on the map!”
Nicole: I WAS THE ONE who pointed out the Monorail thing!
IT WAS ME
Mallory: he practically FAINTED every time someone disagreed with him
Nicole: You are a GRIFTER.
Yes, he did.
Mallory: he was such a SAD grifter too
Nicole
: He waltzed so divinely!

crimson-peak-10-1500x844 Mallory: BULL SHIT
Nicole: Just waltzin’ around
Mallory: that candle went out MULTIPLE TIMES
Nicole: GASP!
ACTUAL GASP
Mallory: he held out the candle, all “a true waltz is so smooth and fluid a candle held in the hand of the lead dancer will never go out”
and it VISIBLY FLAMED OUT multiple times during their shitty dance
he was just so, wan in his pursuit of her, wan in his keeping of her, and wan when he finally resisted his sister-lover-mother-killer
he did everything quarter-assedly, like he had spiritual anemia

 

Nicole: Oh, can we talk about how sadly underused that cunty lady whose son was the Channing Tatum-looking doctor who wasn’t Channing Tatum was?
Mallory: I have nothing to say about her!
Nicole: Okay, Lucille was draining his essence via those terrible handjobs
Mallory: yeah, let’s hold off on my Hiddleston yelling until we get through the rest first
Nicole: He didn’t have the vim to rebel
Mallory: WAIT
Nicole: Oh, good call, we can move things around
Mallory: first, Charlie Hunnam was definitely channeling Channing Tatum in this role

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how is this not Channing?

Nicole: Very much so.
Mallory: and it definitely contributed to the WEIRDNESS that three of the four main characters were doing accents in reverse
Charlie is English but played an American, ditto Mia Wasikowska, and Jessica Chastain is American but did a bananas English lady accent the whole time
Nicole: The accents were a BEAUTIFUL mess. And then it was Scotsmen wall-to-wall back in Cumberland?
That old dude in the kilt who is around just long enough to say “the master’s been married for YEARS” and then wander off onto the moor or whatever
Mallory: for some reason the post office in Cumberland has a bridal suite?
Nicole: It was a charming lil love nest
oh, and when he looked like he was about to eat her out but didn’t??
Mallory: but it was also kind of great, I think, that Hiddleston and his sister were clearly OFF from minute one
Mallory: you KNOW they couldn’t do that for the rating
Nicole: I GUESS?
Mallory: “okay, dip your head vaguely in the direction of her cunt, kiss her thigh, and then get to Doin’ It”
“that’ll have to count”

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Nicole: they had a dead red lady with an axe in her head!
Mallory: they had a CORPSE BABY
Nicole: then it’s just her rearranging her dress frantically for ten minutes
Mallory: but only implied cunnilingus
Nicole: We did see his butt.
It was okay.

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Mallory: It was what it was, you know?
but it was great, the way everyone acted against their own best interests
like, the dad finds out these siblings are a Black Widow pair and he just…tells them he knows they’re evil
but also says “Nobody else knows!”
which gives them a really great chance to smash his head in
“I’m the only one who knows, so if anything were to happen to me, why, you’d get away with it all!”
Nicole: It was EXACTLY like when Ned Stark tells Cersei “oh, once your husband comes back, I’m telling him all your evil secrets!”
“so you should go now!”
Mallory: THIS HAD MANY GAME OF THRONES PROBLEMS
but I loved it, that’s what makes it feel like a fairy tale
of COURSE everyone is dumb and naïve
of COURSE Edith keeps drinking the OBVIOUSLY POISONED TEA
even though every time she drinks it she passes out for three days and wakes up coughing blood
Nicole
: Oh, TOTALLY. Like, I know homes used to be draftier, too, but she looks up at the NO ROOF and is all “how magical!”

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Mallory: and somehow leaves are falling through the roof even though there are CLEARLY NO TREES NEARBY
Nicole: Like, c’mon, now, I don’t think of myself as high-maintenance, but I would have told my manservant to put my trunk back on the carriage, bc we are staying at the Ritz until my contractor is done.
NO TREES
Mallory: this movie looked like a Silent Hill cutscene and an Emily the Strange journal cover had a goth baby
and I LOVED IT
Nicole: Oh, and there was no food at ALL.
Mallory: NO ONE ATE IN THIS MOVIE OR EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT EATING IT
Nicole: Food: 1. The poisoned porridge
Mallory: YES
horrible, distressing porridge
that’s it
Nicole: 2. The bread stuff in the pot that Lucille chucked at Edith bc she realized they had boned.
End of list!
Mallory: I love that the “evil incest” trope only appears in two kinds of families
INCREDIBLY RICH AND DEPRAVED NOBILITY
Nicole: Which, you know, there really should have been ONE decaying servant
Mallory: or horribly impoverished hill people
Nicole: YESSSS
Mallory: I feel like Jessica Chastain got to play a great sort of Mrs. Danvers role
with her big housekeeping keychain
she sort of was the evil servant?
Nicole: I very much want that keychain
Mallory: this movie was UNASHAMED in cribbing directly from Rebecca, Jane Eyre, Gaslight, The Fall of the House of Usher, and Bluebeard
Nicole: lol now I’m picturing her singing Ring of Keys from Fun Home
just FULL GOTH
I like Jessica Chastain SO much more now

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Mallory: YES
she won this movie
Nicole: She was a woman of substance!
Mallory: 100%
she did so much acting!!!
Nicole: But were you not moved when Tom is all “I can’t wait for Edith to see my weird blood clay machine work for five minutes straight!” and Lucille is like “WAT” and he’s like “ummmmm so I can poison her all the faster?” but you KNOW he’s going soft on their plan.
Mallory: NO
OKAY
here it is
here is my THING
it is also my THING with Jaime in Game of Thrones
you cannot be HALF-in an incestuous murder sibling marriage
you are either IN or you are OUT
these two have killed their mother, possibly their father, at least four previous wives and Edith’s dad
all to keep their stupid incest clay machine going
which A of all, is stupid, they should have sold the house and travelled around the capitals of Europe TAKING TURNS being the black widow
Nicole: Lucille could totally have bagged herself a rich man.
Mallory: he could marry someone, they kill her and take her money, then move to a different city, where SHE marries someone, they kill him, etc
plus then I feel like it would have tamped down a little bit on her MURDEROUS JEALOUSY
Nicole: Oh, totes.
Mallory: but you can’t let your sister-lover commit all these murders for you and then sort of HALF-ASSEDLY back out at the last minute
here is the sum total of Tom Hiddleston’s good deeds in this movie
he stabs Charlie Hunnam SLIGHTLY LESS than he had to
and he burns the paper Edith signed granting him her fortune.
END. OF. LIST.
Nicole: LET’S TALK ABOUT THE STABBING PART
Nicole: When he said “you’re a doctor, tell me where” I definitely assumed he meant “tell me where I can stab you swiftly so you will die immediately and not be in pain”

Mallory: he does not SEND EDITH AWAY
he does not FIGHT HIS SISTER
he does not STOP HER FROM POISONING HIS WIFE
he just WANLY GETS STABBED
thank fucking GOD
I would never marry my brother
but if I DID
Nicole: When he said “you’re a doctor, tell me where” I definitely assumed he meant “tell me where I can stab you swiftly so you will die immediately and not be in pain”
Mallory: you can bet I would COMMIT to my choices
Nicole: I KNOW you would
You would never dither
Mallory: you can’t just sort of ghost out of your sibling marriage
you can do that after a third date with someone you have no mutual friends with
he’s trying to GHOST on his SISTER who MURDERED THEIR MOTHER TO PRESERVE THEIR SECRET
YOU CANNOT DO THAT
so when she stabbed him in his GORMLESS FACE, yes, I admit it, I cheered
now state your case
make your argument for his redemption
Nicole: well I guess I thought he was very romantic
when he carried her across the threshold
and the waltzing
and then he looked sad
I think this is why I have a husband and you are a magnificent Amazon woman who lives in a house without a man in it.
Because my heart immediately crumbled when he kissed Edith with genuine fervor and then Lucille ruined the moment.
Also, I’m very competitive and wanted to out-fuck his sister.
Mallory: “And then he looked sad.”
ROME, THOU HAST LOST THE BREED OF NOBLE BLOODS
Nicole: Like, please, you’re not going back to her now.
One night in the depot.
I’d fix her wagon.

 

Mallory: that man wouldn’t know fervor if it kicked him in the teeth.
he even LET LUCILLE STAB HIM IN THE FACE AND ALSO TO DEATH
because on some level
he KNEW he wasn’t fit to live
even his shitty GHOST was the bare minimum of helpful
Nicole: ughhhhhhooooogggg when he pulled that thing out of his own face
ujizog’zpfgjzjgffggfgggg
Mallory: he just DISTRACTED Lucille long enough for EDITH to kill her
Nicole: Okay, his ghost self was bad.
Just stood there, wanly.
Mallory: “As little as possible.” – Tom Hiddleston’s ghost
ghosts are not bound by the Prime Directive, my man!
Nicole: Good for Edith, though, since she’s supposed to be poisoned and sedated and fell two stories onto a stone floor
Mallory: NON-INTERFERENCE IS NOT A WORTHY GOAL IN THIS SITUATION
oh yeah, she immediately overcomes all of those things
Mia Wasikowska is so charming!
Nicole: What kind of poison IS this?
Mallory: Her face is so great!
Nicole: Just a lovely face.

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Mallory: I can definitely see why he started to transfer his affection from his sister
Nicole: And DIVINE sleeves.
And she had that air of being genuinely interested in his stupid hobby farm.
Men love that.
Mallory: but no, it’s the same with Jaime, we’re supposed to be chill with this guy and just look past the twincest (WHICH, HE PARALYZED A CHILD OVER THAT) because he starts having conversational chemistry with Brienne?
Nicole: You feign genuine interest in a man’s hobby blood farm, he’s yours.
Mallory: “Oh, Tom Hiddleston seems VAGUELY less interested in his sister’s handjobs now that he’s fucked his wife? This marriage CAN be saved!”
Nicole: Lucille has a very strong personality, and was two years older.
That makes a big difference, especially when you’re in your thirties
Mallory: up to about eight hours before he died, he was still throwing bones at his sister, this is not a man who was salvageable
oh I’m not arguing Lucille wasn’t effable
she super was
I’m just saying if we’re going to give him credit for making an actual, active choice
I’m going to need to see more commitment from him
if he had lived
he would have played the two of them against each other for the REST OF THEIR LIVES
“I’m really close to making a decision, honestly.”
“This is really hard for ME, you know? I’m in love with two women!”
he would DITHER INTO THE GRAVE
I loathe ditherers
Nicole: We’re clear, though, that I would have CLUNG to him in the night so he couldn’t wander off to Lucille
And then not gone WALKING THE HALLS
Mallory: also, Tom Hiddleston has the sort of fey, feline beauty that makes me just want to smear him in his own blood.
Nicole: with a CANDELABRA
Mallory: I want to crush him to see if there’s a single vertebrae underneath his gormless exterior
oh, also, the walls kept oozing red clay, which was awesome
Nicole: he’s a little lamb who has been bruised by a mean lady
Mallory: that’s not related but it was cooool as all hell
Nicole: yeah, loved the walls A +++++ walling
Mallory: He deserves to be CRUSHED, not bruised.
Nicole: This is a movie where I DO think having a firearm would have been helpful
Like, in her handbag, or her voluminous sleeves
Or if Charlie had brought one with him
Mallory: YES.
Not for nothing is England called “Survivable Knifecrime Island.”
my last furious Hiddleston thought:
you can be, okay, a conflicted vampire
“Oh, I HAVE to drink blood, but I don’t want to be a monster!”
You cannot be a conflicted Bluebeard!
“Oh, it’s so awful, how my sister keeps poisoning women on my behalf.” THEN STOP BUYING HER POISON, BUD.
That said
I have not been able to STOP thinking about how furious I am at him, though
which obviously means he was very successful at creating a memorable character
and also that I am perhaps less resistant to his weepy charms than I want to believe myself
Thomas Sharp: consumptive milksop I am maybe fascinated by?? I’ll have to kick him in the teeth a few thousand times to make sure.
Nicole: You have a ten year old dog who pees in the house, I feel like you would relent to him eventually.
Mallory: uuuugh he DOES, sometimes
and you can’t correct an old dog like you can a puppy, so I don’t really know what to do
Nicole: Like you would yell SACK THE FUCK UP THOMAS at him, but then you would help him find venture capital.
Mallory: if anyone has tips, let me know in the comments
I take him outside like every hour so he’s pretty good
but it still happens every other day or so
Nicole: you walk him a BUNCH
Mallory: I mean, he’s not CONSTANTLY going
I think it’s more out of nervousness than incontinence?
but I’m not a dog piss expert
Nicole: It’s good that we’re at your parents’ house, they sprung for the stainproofing on the carpets.
Mallory: and at least I have hardwood/tile floors at my house, so cleanup is fairly easy
IDK, if Tom Hiddleston’s character were a fictional dog, I’d be angry with it all the time
but I’m nicer to dogs than to men, so
Nicole: definitely
Mallory: There were ghosts in this movie!
Nicole: RED ONES
BLACKY RED ONES
Mallory: Her mom’s ghost could see the future, but the other ones mostly couldn’t!
Nicole: REDDY BLACK ONES
end of list
Mallory: AND A LITTLE DOG THAT JESSICA CHASTAIN MURDERED
Nicole: just “this sucks!”
“I hate being dead!”
Mallory: Which, again, I am against dog murder, but at least she STANDS for something
DO SOMETHING
Nicole: You were all “what happened to the dog?”
Mallory: if you’re going to be evil, BE EVIL and have a GOOD TIME WITH IT
Nicole: and I was like “um she strangled him”
quietly
Mallory: this is why I love season 2 Spike and hate all forms of Angel
Nicole: Oh, that makes a lot of sense.
Yeah, don’t mope.
Own it.
Mallory: kill Slayers! Have a bonkers girlfriend you destroy the world for!
Torture nuns! Kill your mom!
OWN YOUR CHOICES.

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