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Home: The Toast

I already bought literally six pairs with my own money, so have no need for kickbacks, but if THINX reads this, maybe you could hook up my girl Jasmine? Thanks. You can email me for her info. I am an INFLUENCER.

So, periods are the ultimate YMMV, obviously, I can only speak to my own experience. Let me share it with you.

Usually, I wear either tampons or a Diva Cup, both backed up with pads, because they leak. Yes, I am wearing the Big Gulp-sized Diva Cup, being a 33 y/o who has shoved two large-headed babies out her vagina. It’s okay. It was very Crimson Peak. I had a horrible malfunction with it earlier this month, but normally it only sucks a little bit. So this means I have monthly period expenses despite having acquired the purported Holy Grail of blood-collecting devices, and I have a strong personal faith in the promises of money and technology to improve my mortal existence as a meat-sack, and therefore was highly likely to purchase THINX.

You can buy heavy, medium, and light varietals, but since they all look the same and there isn’t much of a price differential, obviously just buy the heavy ones. Come on now. They come in black or in beige, but I’m too squeamish for beige, so fuck that. They have thong ones, but I’m old and married and work from home and I do not spend Shark Week wearing anything that requires a thong.

They’re expensive! The heavy one is $34, but you get decent price breaks for buying more of them, and it was worth it to me. Maybe not to you, so if that’s the case, don’t buy them. They are pretty true to size, and they go up to 3XL, which is pretty rad, honestly.

They look cute! They definitely look like normal, reasonably-sexy black underwear.

(I sexily wandered over to the bed, wearing my period underwear, and whispered, seductively, “do you like my underwear?” and then when my husband indicated that, in fact, he did, I yelled “GOTCHA! I AM BLEEDING INTO THEM AS WE SPEAK!” and he blanched. He’s a very good husband and he paid for the ENTIRE Toast redesign as my birthday present and deserves a better wife.)

The heavy ones can hold two tampons worth of blood, which is pretty legit. You also don’t feel damp, because they suck the moisture into their innards very handily.

What I did was wear them starting two days before I expected my period would arrive, resulting in a VERY satisfying moment when my period started and DIDN’T trash yet another pair of normal underwear. My first two days are like the elevator in The Shining, so those two days I wore them with my leaky Diva Cup and that was great, and then the remaining four days of my period I wore only THINX, and that was great too. At the end of the day, I rinsed the blood out of them (KIND OF FUN, oddly?) in my sink and then tossed them in the washing machine, then hung them to try (they dry pretty quickly.)

Pros:

I like them, they’re great, they’re cute, they work.

Cons:

Cost, and also don’t wear them when you’re not on your period unless you have a laundry emergency, because they don’t breathe very well and you’ll get stank.

Okay, go buy them if you want.


Also, you KNOW I love it when a company acknowledges that not everyone who has a period is a woman:

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