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Home: The Toast

“Do you also not quite understand what it is that the two of us are doing here?”

“Are you going to ask me to submit a work sample that takes up a full two days of my time, then never answer any of my painfully cheery ‘just following up’ emails?”

“I know…I know there’s not a job here, now. I know there’s no job. That’s why this is informational, and not regular, of interviews. But will there be one. Do you think. Will there be one. Someday. For me. Will there be one for me?”

“I know you said you’re not hiring, but the job is still listed as open on your website, so I feel like – legally, you should have to hire me, since I still saw it? I’m not trying to cause trouble, I just – I saw it.”

“Are you going to pay for my coffee? I’ll pay for my coffee if I have to, but I would have ordered a different kind of coffee, not so fancy with the milk in, if it had been clear that you weren’t going to pay for my coffee. Do you pay for the coffee, or do I pay? You have the job. Can I just have the coffee?”

“You smell employed. Will you please just rub yourself against me until I smell like that too? For a minute. Just a real quick sec.”

“Will you tell me, please, where they are storing the jobs? I know you have them. I can see them. Tell me where, please?”

“If I write you a thank-you note like everyone says I’m supposed to, will you do anything other than laugh at how pathetic it makes me look and throw it in the trash?”

“Can you give me the names of at least three other people I can repeat…this…with?”

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