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“It’s Four In The Morning, So I’m Going To Go To Bed With A Book And A Mug Of Cocoa, And Will Not Write A Letter To My Girlfriend’s Lover”

“Sing Another Song Boys (And Let’s Make This One A Real Jolly Knees Up)”

“Lover Lover Lover (Who Is A Normal Human Person, And Not God)”

“I Like To Keep My Worship Separate From My Giving Of Oral Sex, Thank You”

“My Vision Of The Future Doesn’t Require Reference To Hiroshima, Charles Manson, or Torture”

“A Song About A Woman Who Is Both Alive And In A Happy, Stable Long-Term Relationship With Me”

“Suzanne, Nancy And Marianne Are All Fine, Thanks”

“All Of My Feelings About The USA Are Uncomplicated And Positive”

“I Have No Need To Refer To The Holy Spirit When Having Sex, Not Even A Little Bit”

“The Chelsea Hotel Is A Lovely Place To Stay And I Don’t Associate It At All With Janis Joplin, Why Do You Ask”

“I Fell Into An Avalanche Because I Wasn’t Taking Appropriate Mountain Safety Precautions, But I’m Fine Now And Very Happy”

“There Is A Crack In Everything, But Don’t Worry, I’ve Called In The Builders To Take Another Look”

“It’s Closing Time, So I’m Going To Go Home Now, But I Sure Have Had A Really Pleasant Night”

“My Feelings About Lady Midnight’s Aging Process Aren’t Really Relevant To Her So I Just Won’t Bring Them Up Right Now”

“There Are No Chocolates In The Boxes Any More Because We Ate Them All At The Christmas Party”

“I Don’t Feel Like Adapting Sad Poems By Lorca Or Cavafy Today, Maybe Some Other Time”

“If That’s How You Want To Say Goodbye, I Respect That”

“I Fought In The Old Revolution (And We Created A Much Better Society And Were Glad)”

“Hank Williams Invited Me To His Book Group And I Honestly Don’t Feel Lonely At All Now”

“If You Don’t Want To Go Out With Me Again, I’m Certainly Not Going To List All The Things I’d Be Willing To Do For You, Because That Might Make You Uncomfortable”

“Vienna Is A Nice Place With Hardly Any Dead Doves At All”

“Actually My Wife Prefers To Be Called Rroma And I Don’t Feel The Need To Keep Tabs On Her All The Time”

“Let’s Not Talk About Razor Blades Tonight”

“You Don’t Really Care For Music, Do You? That’s Fine And I Won’t Go On About It”

Simone Webb is a Leonard Cohen obsessive and would-be academic.

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