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Previously: Things I have yelled at Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries.

“THAT’S NOT WHEN HENRY FITZROY DIED, WHAT THE HELL”

“ARE YOU ACTUALLY SUGGESTING THAT MARY BOLEYN INTRODUCED THE BLOW JOB TO ENGLAND?? BECAUSE STEREOTYPES ABOUT NATIONAL SEXUAL HANGUPS ASIDE I’M PRETTY SURE THE ENGLISH KNEW WHAT ORAL SEX WAS”

“LOOK I GET THAT THERE ARE CERTAIN LIMITATIONS TO PERIOD ACCURACY AND DON’T WANT YOU TO ASK THE FEMALE CAST TO PLUCK BACK THEIR HAIRLINES BUT IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT MARGARET TUDOR NOT BE TAN WITH FRESH LIP FILLERS”

“DON’T GET ME WRONG THAT ACTRESS IS OBJECTIVELY BEAUTIFUL AND HER LIP FILLERS ARE VERY GOOD BUT THEY’RE DEFINITELY FILLERS, NO ONE HAS AN UPPER LIP LIKE THAT NATURALLY”

“I MEAN I’M SURE SOMEONE SOMEWHERE DOES I DON’T WANT TO UNIVERSALIZE THINGS UNNECESSARILY”

“ALSO I KNOW IT’S REALLY HARD TO GET RELIABLE WORK PAST THE AGE OF 35 IN HOLLYWOOD AND I DON’T WANT TO CONDEMN THIS ACTRESS FOR MAKING A CHOICE THAT WOULD EXTEND HER MARKETABILITY ON AN UNFAIR PLAYING FIELD”

“HONESTLY THAT’S A RIDICULOUS EXPECTATION TO PUT ON ANY ACTRESS, OBVIOUSLY THEY’RE GOING FOR MODERN BEAUTY STANDARDS IN A WAY THAT’S HELPFUL FOR A MODERN AUDIENCE RATHER THAN ASKING US TO ADMIRE WOMEN WITH PLUCKED-BACK BROWS AND BONE-WHITE PAINTED FACES, I RETRACT MY CRITICISM”

“FRANKLY WHO AM I TO TELL ANOTHER WOMAN HOW SHE SHOULD OR SHOULDN’T LOOK”

“OKAY BUT SUGGESTING THAT MARY/MARGARET TUDOR STRAIGHT UP MURDERED THE KING OF PORTUGAL IS A BRIDGE TOO FUCKING FAR”

“IF NOTHING ELSE THERE IS NO WAY SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN LEFT ALONE WITH HIM DURING HIS AFTERNOON NAP, THERE WOULD BE AT LEAST SEVEN COURTIERS THERE TO OBSERVE HIS NAPPING”

“NATALIE DORMER YOU ARE AN EXQUISITE JEWEL”

“ALTHOUGH HENRY AND ANNE WORE YELLOW ON THE DAY OF KATHERINE’S DEATH IT HAD MORE TO DO WITH SUMPTUARY LAWS AND ANGLO-IRISH REBELLION THAN IT DID WITH POSTHUMOUS FUCK-YOUS ALTHOUGH I WILL GRANT YOU THAT YOUR CHOICE IS MUCH MORE DRAMATIC”

“JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS DO YOU HAVE A FACIAL EXPRESSION THAT IS NOT A FATUOUS SMIRK”

“JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS I CAN’T TELL IF I HATE YOU BECAUSE HENRY VIII WAS THE WORST OR BECAUSE YOU ARE A PREENING BASTARD ”

“JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS I FEEL SORT OF BAD FOR YELLING AT YOU WHEN YOUR DRINKING PROBLEM IS PROBABLY LIFE-THREATENING BUT ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO KICK THAT AWFUL GOATEE OFF OF YOUR FACE”

“JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS I THINK THAT MAYBE YOUR CASTING IS SORT OF GENIUS BECAUSE HENRY DEFINITELY THOUGHT OF HIMSELF AS AN IRRESISTIBLE BABE AND YOUR WOODEN GRIMACING REALLY CAPTURES HIS AWFULNESS, IT’S SORT OF LIKE WHEN NO ONE TOLD CHARLTON HESTON ABOUT ALL THE GAY STUFF IN BEN-HUR AND IT CAPTURED THIS TABULA RASA PERFECTION THAT CAN ONLY BE PRODUCED BY THE UNAWARE”

“Oh UUUUGH you can just TELL they’re going to give not-Chris Martin a terrible afterthought gay plot and – yep, there it is, right on time”

“WHY WOULD THIS GUY WANT TO MAKE OUT WITH THOMAS TALLIS’ LITTLE RAT MUSTACHE AND SCRAGGLY HAIR”

“THOMAS TALLIS REMEMBER HOW LITERALLY FIVE SECONDS AGO YOU WERE SOBBING AT YOUR DEAD BOYFRIEND’S GRAVE, WHY ARE YOU HITTING ON TWINS NOW?”

“HI I’M THOMAS TALLIS AND I’M ALLERGIC TO REMEMBERING MY DEAD BOYFRIEND”

“The Tudors, I don’t mean to suggest that there is a wrong way to grieve, but COME ON”

“THOMAS MORE HAD ALL OF HIS DAUGHTERS CLASSICALLY EDUCATED! MARTIN LUTHER SET UP HIS THESES TWENTY YEARS AGO! WHY DOES HIS DAUGHTER NOT KNOW WHAT PROTESTANTISM IS?”

“NATALIE DORMER YOU ARE MADE OF SCORN AND RUBIES AND I DO NOT DESERVE TO EVEN LOOK AT YOUR FACE”

“Sam Neill you were SUCH a great Wolsey and I feel like your great work is lost in a sea of hot actors but I just want you to know that I appreciate your competence!!! Also I’m sorry they made you kill yourself on the TV show because you just got sick and died!”

“NATALIE THAT DRESSSSSSSS”

“Are you SERIOUSLY asking us to believe that Anne Boleyn INTRODUCED HENRY VIII TO THE WRITINGS OF WILLIAM TYNDALE? THE SAME WILLIAM TYNDALE WHO WROTE AGAINST HENRY’S DIVORCE IN 1530?”

“Wait but bless this sequence for giving us Jonathan Rhys-Meyer’s ‘I am LEARNING’ face!”

“KING FRANCOIS NEEDS TO BE IN EVERY GOD DAMN SCENE, MORE KING FRANCOIS FOR EVERYONE”

“NATALIE DON’T DIE I DON’T WANT TO HAVE TO LOOK AT THAT SIMPERER JANE SEYMOUR”

“WHY WOULD YOU GO TO ALL THIS TROUBLE OF REPEATING THE OLD LIE THAT HENRY DIDN’T SLEEP WITH ANNE OF CLEVES BECAUSE SHE WAS UNATTRACTIVE ONLY TO HAVE HIM AHISTORICALLY SLEEP WITH HER A SEASON LATER?”

“HEY JONATHAN RHYS-MEYERS THANKS FOR RESTORING MY DISCOMFORT WITH AND INDIFFERENCE TO HETEROSEXUALITY”

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