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Home: The Toast

MARY YELLAN: my name is Mary and I think being a girl is worse than genocide
JEM MERLYN: women are terrible but you absolutely have to kiss them
MARY YELLAN: I’d rather be a ship rat or on fire or a pile of greasy rags named Scumface than a girl

 

JOSS MERLYN: Mary don’t ask me why I’m the landlord of Jamaica Inn
MARY YELLAN: fine
JOSS MERLYN: ill fucking never tell ANYONE why
MARY YELLAN: all right
JOSS MERLYN: unless I get drunk
then i’ll tell any body
MARY YELLAN: noted
JOSS MERLYN: so don’t let me get drunk Mary
MARY YELLAN: I honestly don’t even want to know
I just want to take my Aunt Patience and get out of here
JOSS MERLYN: MARY IM DRUNK
DO YOU WANT TO KNOW ALL THE SECRETS OF JAMAICA INN
MARY YELLAN: I –
JOSS MERLYN: I murder people for money and then I sell all their stuff
MARY YELLAN: still better than being FEMALE
JOSS MERLYN: MARY WHY DID YOU LET ME GET DRUNK AND TELL YOU ALL MY SECRETS

 

JOSS MERLYN: if I wanted to have sex with you I would
MARY YELLAN: seems unlikely
JOSS MERLYN: the only reason we’re not having sex is because I’m too busy
but rest assured
if I wanted to give it to you
ugh you’d just
you wouldn’t even be able to disagree with me ever, because of how much sex liquefies women’s brains
JEM MERLYN: Mary it’s true
the same goes for me too, if you slept with me
MARY YELLAN: shows how much you know
I’ll never have sex or wear a dress
I’m just going to run all over the mountains by myself

 

SQUIRE BASSAT: Mary you saved Cornwall
thank you for helping us stop these murders
please consider living with us as our ward and participating in our rich, full lives
MARY YELLAN: thank you but I cannot
I must go back to my farm and support myself
a quiet life of self-sufficiency is all I require after this season of chaos
I shall live at peace content in my own skin
JEM MERLYN: no but Mary
Mary
what if instead you followed me around and did my laundry and I promised to never take care of me
MARY YELLAN: no I want to be alone
JEM MERLYN: Mary
Mary
Mary tho
MARY YELLAN: I –
JEM MERLYN: but Mary you’re a woman
MARY YELLAN: good point
JEM MERLYN: leave your dreams in the trash and cook me dinner and sometimes I’ll waggle my dick at you
MARY YELLAN: women are trash

FIN

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