He’s so hard to shop for! He’s just so hard to shop for! He is just so hard to shop for! Aren’t men just the hardest to shop for? What can you buy a man? A handful of dust, and nothing. There are so many men, and none of them want anything.

Men: you can’t shop for them. Men: they don’t want anything. Men: they already have everything, so what can you buy them? Men are hard to buy for. What are we to do? We want, we want, we want to shop for them. Let us shop for you. We come, buying. We buy, seeking. We return, empty-handed and heavy-laden. Here are the receipts. You can take it all back. Take everything back.

What do men love? Nothing. What do they want? Nothing. Throw your gift in the trash, they’re so hard to shop for. You can’t shop for a man. We’ve all tried. Look at the women, going in the stores, going out, lining the walls, with their wallets out, hands out, eyes out, hearts out, nothing for it. There’s nothing for it. You’re so hard to shop for. I love him but he’s impossible to shop for. What can you get a man who has everything? Wants nothing? I can’t shop for him. I don’t know how to shop for him. I can’t. The list of gadgets did nothing. Sound familiar?

I had cufflinks made out of World War II history books ripped out of his favorite old baseball stadium. Headphones made out of whiskey stone drillbits. It tracks your fitness barbecues. Dads love it. Wireless meat suitcase. A watch made out of more expensive watches. Steve McQueen is here, and he named a star after you. I want to give you something, but your hands weren’t made to accept anything.