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Home: The Toast

Today I am going to talk to you about America’s ten dollar founding father without a father, Alexander Hamilton.

Alexander Hamilton was an important figure in American history for many reasons. He was America’s first Secretary of the Treasury, founded the New York Post, and together with his friend and rival Aaron Burr invented rap in 1776.

Alexander Hamilton met Aaron Burr on his first day in New York City, after he was kicked out of Princeton University for beating up a member of the staff. On that same day he met the Marquis de Lafayette, John Laurens and Hercules Mulligan, and they all became the best of friends and also a rap group called the New York Manumission Society. Aaron Burr was their friend too but he didn’t care as much about the revolution and wasn’t as good of a rapper, and also was in love with…umm…Theo-doe-shah?

Hamilton was in love too with a girl named Eliza Skyler, which they spelled weird. She had two sisters, Angelica and Peggy, and they had a girl group. Angelica and Eliza liked to drag Peggy around New York and yell at men who thought they were smarter than them. But eventually they invited Alexander Hamilton to a party, where Angelica and Eliza fell in love with him at the same time, but Hamilton didn’t even know that so he married Eliza and Angelica married some British guy. Peggy disappeared.

Around the same time George Washington invited Alexander Hamilton over at the same time as Aaron Burr and then kicked Burr out so he could hire Hamilton to be in the war. Hamilton also defeated a loyalist in a rap battle and King George heard about it and was mad. But eventually Hamilton got to fight in the war and America won really quickly.

After the war Hamilton became the Secretary of the Treasury and started feuding with Thomas Jefferson, the Tupac to his Biggie. Hamilton didn’t like Thomas Jefferson because he was the only founding father to own slaves? But also because he was a better rapper than him. But they had to come to an agreement about America’s debt so they had a dinner party that Aaron Burr wasn’t invited to.

Hamilton was also having problems at home, when his wife and her sister tried to get him to have a threesome on vacation with them, but instead he stayed in New York City and had an affair with his neighbor. Later he found out his neighbor was married and had to pay $1,000 to keep her husband quiet, which doesn’t seem like very much.

Eventually Jefferson and his friend James Madison and Aaron Burr found out about this and were going to use it against him, but instead Hamilton wrote about the affair and published it without asking Eliza, who was pissed. As if that weren’t bad enough, their son Philip died in a duel that Hamilton told him to fight. Eliza burned all the letters but we still know what happened because there is a song about it.

Hamilton and Burr don’t like each other very much by this point and then Hamilton supports Jefferson for President over Burr, so Burr challenges him to a duel in a very long letter. They go to New Jersey to fight and before he dies Hamilton freestyles about his life. Hamilton dies in the duel but Eliza lives for another 50 years and stays not mad at Hamilton.

In conclusion, Alexander Hamilton was very important and did many things. The end.

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