Are you unfamiliar with “Dick In A Box”? Here you go. This is a very romantic Christmas song for people with dicks or who enjoy dicks, probably less so for others. If you don’t enjoy dicks, think of this as a present more akin to your cat bringing you a dead mouse, and just try to feel that vibe instead.
Now, this is not everyone’s jam, I respect that. Not everyone’s aunt and godmother picks them up at the Belleville, Ontario train station for national holidays already bumpin’ Lonely Island CDs. Aunt Peggy hasn’t missed an episode of SNL since the 1970s, and she has a PRD (pre-rolled doobie) with your name on it come Saturday night. But that’s how my family rolls, and I proceed with that in mind.
Now, why is “Dick In A Box” so romantic?
Girl you know we’ve been together / such a long, long time
This is a long-term relationship! He didn’t just meet this girl on Tinder yesterday! This is not just an excuse to show her his dick! She knows that dick. She’s on that dick all the time! No. This is a romantic statement about mature love.
(Wooow) You know it’s Christmas and my heart is open wide
See, some people are able to really express their emotions. For them, the holidays are about feelings. He’s seeing all this seasonal shit, and it means something to him! He doesn’t need to remain a prisoner of toxic masculinity: his heart is open, wide.
Not gonna get you a diamond ring / that kind of gift don’t mean anything
Marriage is not for everyone, you know? He doesn’t need a ring or a piece of paper to express how he feels about his woman. Not our boy. Are they poly? Maybe. He strikes me as a one-woman man, though.
Not gonna get you a fancy car / girl, you gotta know you’re my shining star
Capitalism wants you to THINK that material possessions are the best way to show your love. “Dick In A Box” subverts that paradigm. This woman is his shining star! It would demean her, and his love, to give her a trinket, or to surrender to some TV commercial with a Lexus with a red bow on it. Laugh at him if you must: he’s not putting money in the pockets of Big Oil or Big Blood Diamond. Motherfucker is doing arts and crafts for his beloved.
Many of us, male or female, straight or gay, have complained that our partner didn’t put the work in to select a present for us. That it wasn’t “real.” Perhaps it was from a list we gave them. Perhaps our best friend told them what to buy. Perhaps it was from a Gawker gift guide. Is that what we wanted, truly?
One: cut a hole in box
So simple, no? NO. This is a gift bag era! Any asshole can take a gift bag he received last year, put something sparkly into it, and then shove a handful of tissue paper on top. This man used an IMPLEMENT of some kind to put a hole into a cardboard box, one which appears to have been DECORATED first. And, by all accounts, he made a smooth, rounded hole, which is not done easily with a dull pair of jab-by scissors. This is much harder than tossing some glitter into a card.
Two: put your junk in that box
Again, this is a leap of faith. He’s committed to the gift, at this point. And to her. You can only put your dick in one box at a time. Alan Rickman could have purchased EIGHT necklaces for women in Love, Actually. Had he bought two, Emma Thompson would never have cried. Oh, to be sure, he could have cut holes in a variety of boxes and risked terrible paper cuts and chafing. But he’s drinking in front of the fireplace with her. This dick is for her.
Three: make her open the box
Now, here is where he abases himself to her. Will she like it? Will she agree to open said box? What if that flaccid (I assume) dick disappoints her? Note the false bravado on Andy’s face at the moment she unveils the gift. He is naked and vulnerable before the world.
He has given her what he has to give. He has given his all. His widow’s mite.
Christmas; dick in a box
Hanukkah; dick in a box
Kwanzaa; a dick in a box
He’s not just hers one day a year. He is out there every single day, putting his dick in a box for her. Yeah, the bloom may be off the rose after the first time, but are you not negatively impacted by our novelty-seeking culture? Look deeper. Read some Eckhart Tolle, or some shit. Be the sort of person who sees that dick in a box for what it is: love. True love.
Merry CMA awards. Love is all around.
Nicole is an Editor of The Toast.