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ICY BLONDE WOMAN [weighted down with diamonds]: I’m awfully nervous, John

A PSYCHIATRIST: You’re absolutely crazy, Madeline. The specific nature of your madness has long been of interest to men of science. Allow me to deliver a thirty-minute lecture directly to the camera in front of the blackboard on the subject. [He does so.]

DETACHED BLONDE WOMAN: I tell you I won’t do it. I won’t do it. I can’t bear to go along with this scheme a second longer. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t–

A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES WITH STRONG MIDCENTURY LINES: Madeline, you’re absolutely out of your mind

FRIGID BLONDE WOMAN [almost entirely encrusted with diamonds]: I sometimes wonder if I am going mad.

[A procession of sneering train passengers walk past and strike the blonde woman, who responds with indifference.]

FROSTY BLONDE WOMAN [in a subtle, Nordic sort of way]: Am I going mad, Arthur?

A SINISTER HAIRLINE IN A WELL-TAILORED SUIT: I don’t like women at all but I am obsessed with them which is just as good

Someone named Ethel probably: what if something happened to a woman with dark hair

shut up Ethel

A BELOVED UNCLE: we were all Nazis the whole time

ALOOF BLONDE WOMAN: I have small breasts and am therefore fascinating and unknowable

A MAN WHO IS TEN THOUSAND YEARS OLD AND LOOKS LIKE THE GRANDFATHER OF RAISINS AND IS EITHER CARY GRANT OR JIMMY STEWART: kiss me, you crazy Madeline [she does for some reason]

ENIGMATIC BLONDE WOMAN: [dies in a lovely blue skirtsuit]

OR WAS SHE

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Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

John Leavitt is a cartoonist, writer, director, and illustrator, His cartoons and illustrations have appeared in: The New Yorker, The Chronicle Review, The New York Press, The Common Review, The Journal Of Science Fiction and Fantasy, Narrative Magazine and elsewhere. He has worked with Molly Crabapple to produce posters for The Electronic Frontier Foundation and others.

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