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Home: The Toast

Previously: Dirtbag Athena.

ZEUS: look, I have produced a daughter from mine own head
this is Athena
HERA: like fuck you did
ZEUS: What? No, she truly just app –
HERA: two can play this head-baby game, pal
ZEUS: I didn’t do this to offend you, it just –
HERA: too late, I’m crowning

[later]

ZEUS: well even if he isn’t technically ‘mine’
I’m willing to meet this child
HERA: what
ZEUS: the baby
the baby you had because I had a baby
HERA: who
ZEUS: you said you were going to have your own baby
because of Athena
HERA: oh
that
it was weird looking
ZEUS: where is it
HERA: I don’t understand the question
ZEUS: where is the baby
HERA: idk
i threw it off the mountain
so i guess whatever at the bottom of the mountain is

 

HERA: what the hell is this
ZEUS: this is Hercules, my son
HERA: i hate it
ZEUS: oh
well
look I’m sorry things haven’t been going well between us
but please don’t take it out on him
he’s just a ba –
HERA: I’m not
ZEUS: you’re not?
HERA: I’m not
ZEUS: well that’s good
HERA: I even got him a baby present
ZEUS: I – oh
what is it?
[a baby screams]
HERA: snakes
ZEUS: WHAT THE HELL
HERA: oh do babies not like those
i always forget

 

hera5

BABY HERCULES: bahh
HERA: oh are you hungry
BABY HERCULES: gahh
HERA: here
have some
BABY HERCULES: nahh
HERA: what’s the matter, buddy
can’t quite reach it?
too bad

 

PARIS: you are all lovely beyond description
but I must choose Aphrodite, goddess of love and beauty
HERA: I understand completely
[a strange glow steals over the skyline of Troy]
HERA: thanks for coming all this way to judge our contest
I appreciate your taking the time
PARIS: Jesus
is that fire?
are those Greeks?
[arrows begin whizzing past]
HERA: take care
let us know if you’re ever in the neighborhood again

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