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I tried to fishtail braid my hair the other day and oh boy, what is this nonsense?? I am a competent person adept at many things. My fingers are nimble and my mind is quick. And yet this skill eludes me, I assume, because a witch has not visited me in the night and traded this skill for the promise of my firstborn.

Where did you all learn how to braid hair? When did everyone earn the Hair Origami badge? And don’t tell me slumber parties because I went to a ton of those and we just looked through that DK anatomy book so we could see penises and watched scary movies even though I didn’t want to. You’ve been keeping secrets!!

What is this thing you all do where you can just see what you’re doing with your arms in the air on the back of your head? Did the witch give your fingers eyes too? Where is the dark house in the crook of a mountain where she makes you have hair that falls elegantly to one side no matter how short it is?

Any braiding tutorial that suggests you start the process with brushing your dry hair I will take as a personal microaggression.

In the 1600s the Puritans believed that the devil had the ability to erase memories, leaving many to worry if they were actually witches and just plumb forgot. Do not tell me that fishtail braiding is actually super easy and comes naturally to you. The devil has taught you and cleared your memory.

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