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Home: The Toast

“Sorry, I need to put you on hold – or not hold, I need to put the phone down for a second because it’s a hotel phone and they have cords. There’s no milk in my tea. I have to go get some milk, I’ll be right back, please don’t worry.”

“Please don’t ask me about politics just because I’m an American and we have an election on. I don’t have anything useful to say about politics. Also, I’m sorry for saying that, I know you probably have to ask.”

“Oh, it’s pronounced An-tip-oh-dees? I only ever saw it written out, I thought it was Anti-poads. I guess it’s not.”

“My talk is called ‘The Happy Feminist.’ I didn’t choose that topic.”

“I don’t mean I don’t think it’s a good topic. I just didn’t choose it.”

“Please don’t think I’m suggesting the conference-makers chose a bad topic. I’m happy to talk about it! It just wasn’t my idea. I don’t want to take credit for something that wasn’t my idea.”

“I didn’t mean to criticize this country, I just was surprised when they had sweet tea. I don’t think unsweet tea is better than sweet tea. And it all worked out fine, honestly. They were super nice about it.”

“I don’t think you have to be happy. Or a feminist, either. I mean, feminism has historically left out a lot of people, and made some huge missteps, so I understand why someone might feel like feminism is too exclusive and not for them. I mean, I like it, but I also acknowledge it has massive flaws. Anyhow, that’s my topic.”

[not understanding their beautiful accent] “Sorry, what was that? One more time? Oh God, I am so sorry, but I did not quite catch that?” [Giving up and swinging wildly] “Oh, yes, definitely.”

[Don’t mention that one Simpsons episode, don’t mention that one Simpsons episode, everyone already knows that line from that one Simpsons episode]

“Okay, but why is Mardis Gras a month late here?”

“No, it’s not a religious festival anywhere else, either – I mean, it’s pegged to Lent, but everyone else has a big bacchanal too, you didn’t invent that – WHY DON’T YOU JUST CALL IT PRIDE, THEN?”

“Hi, sorry I missed your call, I was asleep.”

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