Things I Have Mistaken For Friendship Over The Years -The Toast

Both disliking the same thing
Both disliking the same person
Both attending and disliking the same event
Both drunk and in an expansive mood at the same time
Both unemployed at the same time
Both hate our jobs at the same time
Neither minds if either one cancels plans at the last minute
Both slept with the same person who neither of us likes anymore
Both watched Oz
Both contemptuous of our other friends’ intelligence
Both thought Parks and Recreation dropped off sharply after season 3
Both equally bad at responding to texts
Both willing to spend hours drinking iced coffee very slowly while disparaging other friends’ boyfriends
Both interested in talking a lot about joining a gym
Both send each other a lot of links
Both enjoy the same specific drug
Both like talking during movies (or refuse to talk during movies)
Wear the same size clothes
Both love leaving things early and avoiding public transit
Both in the same amount of debt to a mutual friend
Both hungry at the same time a lot
That’s it, everything else was real

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Things I Have Mistaken For Friendship Over The Years