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Home: The Toast

Illustration by Kelsey Beyer

FOR THE LOVE OF THE

GODDESS, SOMEONE PLZ THINK OF

GENDER ESSENTIALISTS.


I can’t even see

straight! Plus, I’m far-sighted. These

glasses are Warbys.


My ex-girlfriend is

crazy! This totally relates

somehow to Gaza.


You know that comment

is recyclable, right? Bin

it to win it, girls!


Don’t label me! I’m

a non-het-identified

poly pagan witch.


What community?

This is not community!

This is a salad!


I had a salad

once. It reminded me of

Guantanamo Bay.


What would Tilda

Swinton do? Ride a pegasus

into the sunset?


Your use of the word

“straightish” is DEFAMATORY

to bisexuals.


We are all a

little bisexual. Bisexuals

don’t exist.


I find this whole thing

oppressive. Try commenting

in Darfur, bitches!


What are “lesbians”

anyway? Social constructs

in slouchy blazers.


You are a bigot.

No YOU are a bigot. YOU

ARE THE BIGOTEST.


As a pear lover,

you CAN’T love grapes. Somehow this

relates to gender.


I like pears and grapes.

And mandarins. I could do

without oranges, though.


YOU WILL NOT TELL ME

WHAT I CAN PUT IN A FRUIT

SALAD. OPPRESSION!


Guys, can’t we all just

enjoy fruit salad? You did

not just call me ‘GUY’!


I don’t care what fruit

you eat as long as it is

organic, ok?


We are all fruit

salad. Except tomatoes.

Fuck that.


Um, that is not a

haiku. A haiku follows

5-7-5 form.


YOU WILL NOT TELL ME WHAT

A HAIKU IS. I REJECT YOUR

RIGID PHALLOCENTRIC STRUCTURES. OOH SEE WHAT I DID THERE? SEE IT! I

JUST MADE THIS HAIKU INTO A

PENIS. BECAUSE JUDITH BUTLER.


I am a man who’s

pretending to be a lez.

Look at my penis!


No really, what would

Tilda Swinton do? I am

super curious.


It’s been many years

but I’m not done griping

about The L Word.


No one has mentioned

Ruby Rose for five seconds.

Ruby Rose, you guys!


The Lesbian Sex Haiku Book (with Cats!) is out today! A hearty thanks to The Toast for making this book possible, and for all your great comments, LOLz, and encouragement. You are the everything to my bagel.

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