Skip to the article, or search this site

Home: The Toast

This Classic Toast post originally ran on April 9, 2015.

You’re gonna see a lot of birds in your life, my mens- and my womensfolk, and you have got to be prepared at any minute to look at em. Do I wish it weren’t that way? Heck yes I do. It’s not fair that we have to be on the lookout 100% of our days for skymouths, feather nuggets, reverse dogs, angel centaurs, whatever you want to call them, “air skunks.” The sky needs to calm down of birds.

Anyhow, I put all the faces that owls have in order so you know which ones to avoid from now on. Memorize and keep it with you always, thanes, for the world is full of birds and brigands.

owl2

This is a good owl face, got eyes like two dead beetles pinned to its nose, like how an owl should look. A good owl is scary the same way a skeleton girlfriend from a Tim Burton movie or an animatronic bird from a Disneyland ride that warns you you’re about to go over a waterfall but you don’t have any way of getting outta that log flume is scary.

owl1

NO. YOU LOOK DIRECTLY LIKE WHAT WHEN I SLICE INTO A MUSHROOM CAP AND THE FRILLY PART COMES SCREAMING OUT AT ME FROM UNDERNEATH. I DON’T NEED A BIRD THAT’S GOT MUSHROOM FACE WITH EYES. AND WHAT IS YOUR FACE OUTLINED FOR? YOU LOOK LIKE A NUCLEAR GHOST.

owl11

good face, good skull, looks like it would be real puffy if I wanted to pet it, big yellow eyes, points off for a beak that looks like a talon but overall fine

owl10

N/A

owl9

I like you, you look like a bird whisper, you can stay

owl8

it’s ASLEEP, that’s disrespectful to this process? come back when I can look at the components of your face properly, why are your feet in the middle of your body instead of one on each side though

owl7

lil bird-owl, I LIKE you, you’ve got a bee on as a hat and that’s sassy, you look open and ready for new experiences

owl6

I don’t like any of this, the bottom half of this bird is a waterfall and the top half (face) is folding in on itself? no no no, unbend your head

owl5

fine

owl4

this owl is a SCRAGGLY MESS. This is just a straight up REARRANGED CHICKEN. Do you have eyebrows? Do you have a PLAN for your face? This is not a bird, this is a reaction to a bird. Nope.

owl3

This bird looks like someone sliced down the front of an apple. That’s no way for a bird to look like. Jump away.

[Images via]

$
Select Payment Method

Loading ...

Personal Info

Donation Total: $1.00

Add a comment

Skip to the top of the page, search this site, or read the article again

(Close this.)