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Home: The Toast

Twelve years ago, National Treasure was released. It is that movie where Nicholas Cage steals the Declaration of Independence, and it’s perfect. I own the DVD even though DVDs aren’t very useful now, and I have seen it upwards of fifteen times. Nine years ago, National Treasure 2 was released. It was good, not great, but it contained seeds of greatness (“Eventually, they find the city of solid gold beneath Mount Rushmore and are all reunited”), and it really made me want to see National Treasure 3, mostly to hear more about the secret book all presidents get to read.

I don’t want to talk about Nicholas Cage’s offscreen persona, or even that really great version of him Andy Samberg used to do on Weekend Update. I want to talk about why I’ve had to live almost a full decade without another installment in the National Treasure series.

Justin Bartha is very charming in those movies. It makes me happy to imagine the Liberty Bell is full of gold and puzzles. It makes me feel like getting a sticker in the library’s summer reading program, or like how a moderately intelligent dog feels after it completes an agility course: happy and fulfilled. National Treasure 2 made almost four times its budget at the box office. Where is the sequel. Someone should be working on this. There should be at least as many National Treasure movies as there are Fast and Furious movies because I love having riddles explained to me. Once or twice a year my National Treasure google alert goes off but it’s only ever because of articles like this one where the headline is just something like “National Treasure 3 Might Still Happen But There Is No News Yet.” There’s an empty IMDB page already set up, but there’s no concrete information on it yet. I want a movie where the Knights of Columbus and the Shriners team up with D.B. Cooper to find the Mary Celeste, and I want it soon. Thank you for your time.

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