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Home: The Toast

Originally.

KING ARTHUR: Sir Gawain you are the noblest knight in my court
in the board room AND in the bedroom if you all catch me, drift-wise
anyhow I killed a deer recently and the man who saw me do it hates us both
but in exchange for not killing me he’s willing to let me off if I can explain to him what women like most
and you can’t just say what field women like either
it has to be both field and town women together
by the way
his name
like his actual God-given name
is Sir Gromer Somer Joure

SIR GAWAIN: fuck outta here

KING ARTHUR: fuck IN of here, you mean
any old how
the point is I have to figure out what women want to not get murdered
so you go out and ask everybody
and I’ll look at every book I own
and between the two of us we’ll probably come up with something
probably someone has written it down somewhere

SIR GAWAIN: okay I’ll go talk to literally everyone, wish me luck

A LOATHLY LADY: heard you were looking for a gal to answer a question

KING ARTHUR: no I’m pretty set actually

LOATHLY LADY: if you give me Sir Gawain I will 100% answer your question for you
and before you say no consider this
even owls get married
so

KING ARTHUR: how does that relate to what our situation is

LOATHLY LADY: just think about it
both my offer and owls

SIR GAWAIN: I would marry anyone to help out a friend
I’ll double marry her just to show how serious I am

KING ARTHUR: just tell me the answer

LOATHLY LADY: WELL
some people think women want to have a lot of “sex” or “husbands” or hats or whatever
but what we actually want is just basic autonomy

KING ARTHUR: ahh tytyty
[to SIR GROMER] I think women want to be able to control men

LOATHLY LADY [faintly, offstage]: that’s not exactly how I put it but ok

SIR GROMER: Goddamnit
you must have met my sister, Dame Ragnell
she is the only bitch alive who knows the answer to that mysterious question

LOATHLY LADY: I honestly think a lot of people could have told you that
primarily people whose gender rhymes with “boman” and “shoman”

SIR GAWAIN: I’m still willing to marry you

LOATHLY LADY: oh my god
that’s amazing
you’re amazing
God I wish I was hot, just to reward you for being willing to marry me
[eats three chickens]
[that’s literally in the poem you guys]
okay heads up I can turn hot whenever I want
so as a puzzle and also a reward I can be hot for exactly half of the day
and you get to decide when, so either everyone can see how hot I am, or just you can see it when we have sex

SIR GAWAIN: how is this a reward for anything
what does this have to do with women wanting to be able to pick out their own crop rotation or whatever
I don’t want to make this weird night-time face call on your behalf

LOATHLY LADY: ohoho
you have chosen wisely
now I am beautiful all the time, because of your wisdom has broken my stepmother’s curse

SIR GAWAIN: I
okay
this sounds fake but okay

NARRATOR: Sir Gawain turned into a total fucking coward and stopped jousting just so he could nail his hot wife
then she died
a valuable lesson for us all

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