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Home: The Toast

Illustration by John Leavitt

Reply permanently failed because recipient has only been tolerating you socially due to societal expectations.

Reply permanently failed because the thought of taking the subway on a Saturday night caused the recipient to spontaneously combust.

Reply permanently failed because recipient doesn’t believe you’re more afraid of them than they are of you.

Reply permanently failed because recipient honestly forgot how and from where they know you and it would be awkward to pretend otherwise.

Reply permanently failed because recipient liked the idea of having gone to a party, but not the idea of going.

Reply permanently failed because recipient was emotionally blackmailed into a family get­-together and is currently fashioning a garrote out of dinner napkins.

Reply permanently failed because the recipient recently became a parent of twins and is, for all intents and purposes, a turnip.

Reply permanently failed because recipient believes you have misjudged their cranky, caustic social media interactions as ironic posturing and not proof that they are a deeply unpleasant person.

Reply permanently failed because recipient’s drug problem has just taken an unfortunate turn.

Reply permanently failed because recipient has to avoid all possible negative energy before their one­-man show, “The Untroubled Soups of My Childhood,” goes into rehearsal.

Reply permanently failed because the recipient had a bad experience with medication and is currently singing “No One Is Alone” to their dog.

Reply permanently failed because you insulted the recipient once years ago and they don’t have the courage to tell you or to get over it, so they’re just going to wait until one of you dies.

Reply permanently failed because recipient already went to a party once and it wasn’t their thing.

Reply permanently failed because recipient thinks your real friends should refuse your invitations to your face.

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John Leavitt is a cartoonist, writer, director, and illustrator, His cartoons and illustrations have appeared in: The New Yorker, The Chronicle Review, The New York Press, The Common Review, The Journal Of Science Fiction and Fantasy, Narrative Magazine and elsewhere. He has worked with Molly Crabapple to produce posters for The Electronic Frontier Foundation and others.

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