Skip to the article, or search this site

Home: The Toast

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, the two of you would sleep in lilac silk pajamas piped around the wrists and ankles in indigo. They would smell of actual lilacs, and they would be more comfortable than your oldest, softest t-shirts. Every once in a while Cate would put on your oldest, softest t-shirt, and make some Belgian waffles while singing the libretto from ‘The Threepenny Opera’ at the top of her voice. The Belgian waffles would be inedible.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, you would have a cat and her name would be Hedda Gabler.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, one day, tired of Ibsen, you would whine, “I just want to watch ‘Parks & Rec’ sometimes!” Unexpectedly, Cate would confess to loving the show, and then she’d do impressions for you of every single character. You would laugh so hard that you’d pee on yourself a little.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, every once in a while you’d get pissy about her blazing crush on Ellen DeGeneres.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, you would try to teach her mnemonic devices to help her with her terrible memory and, more importantly, to keep her from feeding Hedda Gabler again when you’ve already fed her. The devices wouldn’t work and Hedda Gabler would be sick in your bed, but you can never stay mad at Cate.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, she would always tell people that the moment you realized you were meant to be together was when you discovered that you both add things you’ve already done to your to-do lists, just to have the pleasure of crossing them off.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, she’d get up sometimes in the morning and tell you she was going to bring you coffee. Forty-five minutes later you’d give up, feeling irate, and go downstairs and find a cup of coffee in your favorite mug still cooling on the kitchen island. You’d look outside and see Cate doing eurythmics and your heart would contract with love, and you’d pour the coffee down the drain and make a fresh pot.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, when you played Boggle you’d occasionally clash over the fact that you both really, really want to win.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, she would try to resolve every single fight by doing the same funny high-pitched voice. You would end up using the same technique yourself at work, but after your boss said, “What the hell, are you a child?” you would realize that some things work only for Cate Blanchett.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, she’d let you touch her cheekbones as much as you wanted in private.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, she’d never mind that sometimes you’d just trail off in the middle of a sentence and stare at her beautiful, beautiful face. She’d be used to it.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, she’d get you using SKII, and your skin would be radiant, and you’d get all your products for free from Cate, but one day she would confide, “Don’t tell anyone, but I really adore Neutrogena. It smells like heaven and I think it’s just as good.” This would cause you to question everything you think you know, for a while.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, you and she and Andrew Upton and her four children would all spend Christmas and school holidays together, and not only would it be cool, you would have a great time. The boys would put on pageants of scenes from A Midsummer Night’s Dream and The Matrix and gently guide their younger sister through her parts, and you and Andrew would crack open a bottle of good champagne and have an honest, giggly talk about Loving Cate.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, she would try to feed you Vegemite, and you would object strenuously.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, nothing you’d ever see again would have the poetry and pathos of Cate Blanchett, in her glasses, drinking coffee in bed, doing the crossword, with Hedda Gabler curled up purring in her lap.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, you’d actually be able to finish the crossword.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, she’d think you were a superhero for fixing the appliances in the house. You’d never tell her that you watched YouTube tutorials before setting up the Apple TV, and you’d pray that the wifi never went out.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, when you sat by swimming pools you would recline on cushioned chaises instead of on your ratty old towel, and you would sip Pimm’s Cups out of frosted pewter glasses, because you would know how to make cocktails like Pimm’s Cups. You would wear enormous tortoiseshell sunglasses and a hat with a brim that elegantly shades your shoulders, and you would feel like an Italian beauty from Life magazine in 1954, and you most certainly would not knock everything off the table when you leaned over to pick up the copy of A Brief History of Time that you were reading aloud to Cate to help her prepare for a role.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, you would wear caftans from her collection while the two of you walked hand-in-hand by the ocean. Your caftan would be tissue-soft and Moroccan blue, and once you put it on, all your troubles would cease to exist.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, she’d listen to everything you have to say about rape culture, and the two of you would spend a long and occasionally wrenching week talking about it, and at the end of it she’d let you press ‘SEND’ on her email to Woody Allen telling him she wouldn’t be able to take the role in his new film, or any other film he ever made.

If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, every once in a while you’d wonder if it would have been easier to date Helen Mirren.

$
Select Payment Method

Loading ...

Personal Info

Donation Total: $1.00

Alexandra Scott is a musician, writer, provocateur and filmmaker of viral videos. She lives in New Orleans and is a devotee of reading, taking naps, being in costume, and making things.

Add a comment

Skip to the top of the page, search this site, or read the article again

(Close this.)