If Cate Blanchett were your girlfriend, the two of you would sleep in lilac silk pajamas piped around the wrists and ankles in indigo. They would smell of actual lilacs, and they would be more comfortable than your oldest, softest t-shirts.

If Tom Hiddleston were your boyfriend, the first time the two of you got high together, you’d get uncontrollable giggles and finally blurt, “We’re Hiddlestoned.” Then you’d have a terrible moment in which he stared blankly at you and you thought you’d ruined everything before he burst out laughing and said, “I adore you.”