By Amy Collier

Amy Collier once saw Fabio at an airport. Fabio is an Italian model who has appeared on many classic romance novels, such as Love Me with Fury, Lovestorm, and More Than a Feeling. He is 6’3” barefoot; usually in cowboy boots.

  1. Balloons

    Hold a balloon. Don't think about how you are one year closer to death. Keep holding the balloon. Eyes on that balloon. Let go of the balloon. Watch it disappear slowly, rising like a soul into the abyss -- as you never will, because you are an atheist.

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  2. You need an ever present audience to appreciate such monologues as "Where Did All My Money Go Why Did I Spend It All On This Library" and "Oh God I'm In So Much Debt How Will I Crawl Out of This Debt." Inanimate statues will do for yelling ideas like, "I'll sell everything else—everything else," alone in your library. The best statues look noble, brooding, or listening.

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  3. I make my way downtown to a hip Manhattan dog park. In olden times, youths frequented dog parks to relax, drink cocktails, and maybe find a fellow dog owner to take home. No longer. In this brave new world, all of the park goers clutch their phones and swipe furiously through the latest hookup app: Tindog.

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  4. Amy Collier's previous work for The Toast can be found here. E.T. doesn't give in to Scientology. The teens of Clueless were alive the whole time. The New Yorkers of Do the Right Thing do not surrender to Mussolini's tyranny. None of the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park get into college. Sophie chooses not to run for office. She's got enough going on. In Waiting to Exhale, Savannah finally exhales and thus cheats death once…

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  5. Amy Collier's previous work for The Toast can be found here. "Don, you really think we should put together this ad campaign in the final hour for an important client in Japan when half of our department perished in the flood?" “Mourning is just extended self-pity.” "We should talk about a food plan." "Why does everybody need to talk about everything?" "You think the rain will strike again? Jesus Christ, I hope it doesn't…

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  6. Amy Collier's previous work for The Toast can be found here.

    You're holding someone for ransom
    Money (That's What I Want)

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  7. Amy Collier's previous work for The Toast can be found here.

    1. High Reflective White:

    More reflective than a dialogue with Socrates, more reflective than the exiled Dostoevsky during his sentence in Siberian prison, more reflective even than Jesus when he prayed at The Garden of Gethsemane in the hours before his impending death, High Reflective White blinds you with enlightenment.

    2. Polar Bear:

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  8. Amy Collier's previous work for The Toast can be found here.

    Poodles: Bloodhounds: Chow-Chows: Chihuahuas: large mops:…

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  9. Amy Collier's previous work for The Toast can be found here.

    His roommate, Evan's ice cream

    His classmate's answers to the test

    His roommate's Wheaties, tucked on the shelf behind his roommate's note about not eating his food or I'm going to fucking come after you Chris

    This really cute golden lab puppy someone tied to a post outside of a cafe

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  10. It's not murder if the murderee is sleeping. It's not malpractice if the patient's anesthetized. It's not theft if no one's home. It's not battery if you're hitting someone who is both female but also pregnant. It's not a bank robbery if you're a cowboy and you're in the Old West and you point a gun at the teller and ask him to hand over "All the money" and you leave the bank with many bagfuls…

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  11. DO MEN CRY?

    The Female Tear Duct

    In women, tears flow from the eyes and excess tears flow through the tear duct into the nasal cavity. The female's ample and visible tear flow makes it obvious to surrounding males when she is menstruating, unable to engage in fruitful intercourse, and thus may be avoided. The Male Tear Duct

    In the male, tears are redirected to the salivary glands so…

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  12. Amy Collier last wrote for The Toast about the wonderful world of Disney word searches. When I say "Major" you say "Laser!" Major _ _ _ _ Major _ _ _ _ Everybody hands up! Hands up! Hands up! If you love paninis make some noise right now. When I say dance, everybody go this way, and this way, and this way. I want to see everyone feel the sweet nostalgia of a homemade…

    15 comments