No really, what would
Tilda Swinton do? I am
super curious.

1. love brains
2. often found in large gatherings in the woods

When you dress in the
same outfit by mistake, who
is the one to change.

Sometimes you’d rather
watch the U.S. women’s soccer
team than have sex.

Whether this dolphin
documentary is too
triggering to watch.

Perfect the art of
leaning on things. Once mastered,
hook thumbs into jeans.

Drink excessively
the whole night. When she’s nearby,
talk a lot louder.

Anna Pulley's previous haiku for The Toast can be found here.

Tegan and Sara’s

jawlines once saved a kitten

from a burning house.

*

Tegan and Sara’s

jawlines proved Pythagoras’

theorem factual.

*

Their faces inspired

the movie Jaws five years

before they were born.

*

A rock brushed against

Tegan’s jawline and was turned

…

Anna Pulley’s previous work for The Toast can be found here. 

Fifty Shades of Spay

Our heroine finds

herself enslaved by the CUTEST

tripod tabby.

*

Fifty Shades of Stay

Surprise! That “contract”

you signed was for a time-share

in Provincetown!

*

Fifty Shades of Gay

A bisexual

is born and no one questions

her identity.

*

…

Girl has sexual

awakening with teacher/

roommate/friend. Dies.

*

Girl has horrible,

traumatic past, present, and

future. Then she dies.

*

Girl has sexual

awakening with drug addict.

Drug addict dies.

*

Girl has sexual

awakening. Kills her

mother/lover for “funsies.”

*

…

Petite Red Head and Caliente Latina Roommates Surprise the Pizza Delivery Man

With a lecture on

how his employer should

compost pizza boxes.

*

Two Blondes Engage in Some Much-Sought-After Pussy Play

Susan and Chris knew

…

Where are all the real people?????

Open-minded,

non-judgmental girls only please!!!

No bisexuals.

*

Why is a good friend so hard to find??

We must free the

libido from orgasmic

tyranny! Namaste!

*

…

Picture foreplay that
lasts longer than a few minutes.
Now, add crying.