By Jessie Guy-Ryan

Jessie Guy-Ryan is an aspiring comedian and expert sleepwalker. She lives in New York with her husband, two cats, and day job. You can follow her on twitter at @ex_liontamer.

  1. Jessie Guy-Ryan's previous work for The Toast can be found here. It was snowing. They told him when he took the gig--taking care of the resort during the winter season--that it'd be a lot of snow. A hell of a lot of snow. "I don't mind," he chuckled, "Don't gotta mow the lawn at least!" Shoveling the front walk was a bitch, though. At least it just had to be cleared for him and…

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  2. I read Dracula for the first time when I was ten years old.  It kind of made me feel weird about sex -- at least, I realize now it made me feel weird about sex. But I still got up at 6:00 one morning to watch the Hammer Horror version of Dracula on Turner Classic Movies, starring Christopher Lee as Dracula (it's great!). My mom was into Dark Shadows and Anne Rice’s Vampire Chronicles—although she…

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  3. Dear Diary, I think Zachary is a stupid idit below dimwitt. Yours tuley, Jessie Zachary is my younger brother. At the time I wrote that diary entry, I was both very angry with him and determined to establishing a hierarchy of insults. When I was 10 I would use the digital thesaurus in our class to look up synonyms for “stupid” to fling at my tormentors like so much sad, wounded confetti. I suffered from…

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