Lindsay King-Miller's previous work for The Toast can be found here. Here at the Final Girl Groves Retirement Home, we provide top-quality live-in care, recreational activities, and social opportunities for Final Girls in their senior years. If you’re a smart, resourceful, pretty-but-not-too-slutty woman who has survived brutal serial killers, zombie attacks, vengeful spirits, and the return of secrets from your own dark past, we believe you deserve to spend your golden years in peace…
So you got a super-short haircut! Good for you. You look awesome like that, and your eyes totally pop. But maybe you’ve decided it’s not quite the right look for you after all. Maybe you’re finding yourself inconvenienced by all the queer women, enamored with your bold and patriarchy-defying look, who follow you everywhere. (“Really, ladies, I’m just trying to order a latte,” you plead, but TO NO AVAIL.) Or maybe you’ve just had your hair…
Previously by Lindsay King-Miller: If Carrie Brownstein Were Your Girlfriend “Teenage Girl Making Empowered, Thoughtful Choices About My Sex Life” “The Woman Who Didn’t Think Very Much About Food” “People Like You Have Consensual Sex With People Like Me Because Our Relationship Is Based On Mutual Desire And Healthy Communication” “(Car Pooling To Yoga Class On The) Pacific Coast Highway” “Jennifer’s Body Does Not Determine Her Value As a Woman” “Plump (Tomatoes From My…
If Carrie Brownstein were your girlfriend, she’d make up little songs about whatever she was doing around the house, like “The Scrambled Eggs Blues” or “Gotta Get A New Vacuum.” Sometimes she’d even make up a dance to go with the song, throwing in one of those awesome power kicks. She’d toss the songs off like they were nothing, but they’d be super catchy and you’d find yourself humming them days later while making a…
Lindsay King-Miller's previous work for The Toast can be found here.
1. July 29, 2012
In the months leading up to my wedding to Charlie, more than a few people have asked us, “Wait, is that even legal in Colorado?” Well, no, it won’t be legally recognized in any meaningful sense (we’re already registered with the state as designated beneficiaries, which is the only form of governmental acknowledgment available to
Lindsay King-Miller's previous work for The Toast can be found here.
I don’t remember why I asked for a Sleater-Kinney CD for Christmas the year I turned thirteen. I didn’t know anyone who listened to them; all my friends that year were rocking out to guy groups like Nirvana and Green Day. In the throes of my generic adolescent angst, I loved those bands for their noise and their rage, but
1. In the week after your death, you visit many of your loved ones in their sleep. Everyone has some vision in which you appear, smiling and tender, touching them gently and dispensing words of wisdom (or, as was often your wont in life, Spice Girls lyrics). To most of your friends and family, there is comfort in this. Through the ache of your death, the almost unimaginable emptiness of a world without you in…
I can't even tell you how long I spent counting down the days for the Veronica Mars movie. (Well, I could tell you, but I'm not going to because I have a tiny bit of dignity.) I had so many questions – so many things that have haunted me, in the years since the show was canceled – but few more pressing than the question we'll discuss today, which is: Would Veronica and Mac finally…
Past installments of "Fat, Frugal, and Stylish" can be found here. It's cold, y'all. It is so cold that I am too cold to make hyperbolic jokes about how cold it is as an easy way to open a column. It is, certainly, too cold for fashion. There is no way to look sexy in this kind of weather. Ideally we would just all be walking around wrapped in every blanket we own, with…
If you are a lesbian of a certain age, you know that nothing on television has ever been as formative to nascent girl-on-girl feelings as Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And I am not talking about Willow and Tara. Willow and Tara are lovely; they are attractive and accomplished and their relationship is nuanced and interesting and one time they sang to each other while dressed up for the Renaissance Faire (for reasons which will forever…
Lindsay-King Miller most recently told us How Not to Walk Around Naked. Hello and welcome, Toasties! I am a fashionable fat girl on a budget, and as such, my love/hate relationship with clothing is more fraught and all-consuming than any other contentious relationship in my life, including that one time I had a crush on my roommate. The things I love don't come in my size; the things that come in my size I can't…
Hello, fellow humans! How much are you loving this bright, warm weather? Isn't it great to bust out all your favorite summer outfits, feeling free as a bird in your comfy shorts and cute skirts, while also creating sartorial optical illusions to minimize your glaring, repulsive figure flaws (don't play, you know what they are)? And staying within your clothing budget? And dressing in a way that's consistent with your gender identity, subculture of preference,…
