By Mallory Ortberg

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

  1. Dirtbag Hamlet

    A GHOST appears.
    GHOST: have you ever listened to Sublime
    HAMLET: [makes j/o motion]

  2. Oh, two monks, I think I'm going to miss you most of all.

    Two Medieval Monks Invent Art

  3. She was a monster. She rewrote everything. I loved her. It began with Texts from Dagny Taggart.

  4. Where, I am pretty sure, it all began: Western Art History Is Just 600 Years Of Women Getting Out Of Bathtubs

  5. How To Talk To Babies About Postmodernism:

    BABY: [knocks plate off of table]
    ME: that’s right
    in postmodernism we reject the notion of ‘totality’

  6. Movie Yelling With Jaya and Matt: Fear
    Jaya: but also, and I know this is BOTHERSOME, but if a boy I liked just showed up in my room shirtless when I was 16 I would absolutely be DTF
    Matt: glad that media is finally recognizing how horny ALL teens are

  7. "The Queen of the Adriatic, is just one of the things you've been called."

  8. I can never get enough stories about Mount Washington, the little mountain in New Hampshire that kills just everybody, and which I'll never visit unless it's to get dragged into the weather station and gleefully drink cocoa as the sky goes all to white hell around me. Here are some highlights for you armchair outdoorswomen, rated on a scale of 1 to 5 !!!!!s.

  9. Genesis 42:21

    "And they said one to another, 'Fuckin' A, we are guilty concerning our brother, in that we saw the anguish of his soul, when he besought us, and we would not hear; therefore is this distress come upon us.'"

  10. Hiring Nikki as managing editor two years ago was easily the best professional decision Nicole and I have ever made. I STILL HAVEN'T MET HER, which is outrageous, but nobody's fault (surely it's somebody's fault), but everything she has ever written here has been absolute gold, and I want to make sure everyone gets a chance to re-read her back catalog and say nice things to her on Twitter.

  11. Because all of his shows are on public-access television, and so you can watch them for free on YouTube, and he embodies the deep and profound safety of being middle class, real middle class, the kind of middle-class where your father had a good job and a house and his father had a good job and a house and so on and so on, an unbroken chain of good men with real jobs...

  12. I don't know.

    ↳ Of course you do, you ridiculous girl. Cast your mind back to the night of April the thirteenth.

    The night of the cotillion?

    ↳ You're not well-dressed enough to play that stupid with me, child. The evening after.

    I did nothing that day.

    ↳ You did plenty.

  13. I love Nicole so much, and I'm getting hit with the yearbook feelings, where I want to grab all of you in the hallways and make you promise that we are really going to keep in touch, and I have been going through her archives this week and I wanted to remind you of some of her greatest hits. WE NEVER APPRECIATED HER ENOUGH.

  14. If there's one thing life has taught me, it's that high school literature teachers love convincing you that Middle English is close enough to Modern English for you to stumble along without a translation through Chaucer's prologue, and I'm here to tell you that is some nonsense and you don't have to stand for it.