By Daniel Mallory Ortberg

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

  1. Great Expectations is a book about a boy who is never allowed to finish a meal in peace, and a woman who stays in wedding-dress shape for her entire life. It's pretty good. Here are all of the upsetting meals that are served in it.

    Forgotten Beer

    42 comments
  2. 1. I know the Kitty Genovese story wasn't exactly as egregious as it's become in our popular imagination, but Lord love me, I'm a follower, and there are few things I love more than the diminished moral culpability that comes with being part of a big crowd.

    113 comments
  3. Matthew 1:1

    "An account of the genealogy of Jesus, King Shit of Fuck Mountain, the son of David, the son of Abraham."

     

    Matthew 2:3-4

    "When King Herod heard this, he was frightened, and all Jerusalem with him; and calling together all the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the King Shit of Fuck Mountain was to be born."

    54 comments
  4. Scandal: Mellie/Olivia Forever

    Batman TAS: Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn

    The Gilmore Girls: Rory and Paris

    37 comments
  5. Alternate Gilmore Girls' Series Finales: The Many Imaginary Deaths of Christopher Hayden
    I. The Motorcycle Crash
    II. Eaten By Bear at Zoo
    III. Slowly Crushed By His Collection of Sweet Lids

    27 comments
  6. Dirtbag Hamlet

    A GHOST appears.
    GHOST: have you ever listened to Sublime
    HAMLET: [makes j/o motion]

    21 comments
  7. Oh, two monks, I think I'm going to miss you most of all.

    Two Medieval Monks Invent Art

    56 comments
  8. She was a monster. She rewrote everything. I loved her. It began with Texts from Dagny Taggart.

    17 comments
  9. Where, I am pretty sure, it all began: Western Art History Is Just 600 Years Of Women Getting Out Of Bathtubs

    44 comments
  10. How To Talk To Babies About Postmodernism:

    BABY: [knocks plate off of table]
    ME: that’s right
    in postmodernism we reject the notion of ‘totality’

    8 comments
  11. Movie Yelling With Jaya and Matt: Fear
    Jaya: but also, and I know this is BOTHERSOME, but if a boy I liked just showed up in my room shirtless when I was 16 I would absolutely be DTF
    Matt: glad that media is finally recognizing how horny ALL teens are

    29 comments
  12. "The Queen of the Adriatic, is just one of the things you've been called."

    8 comments
  13. I can never get enough stories about Mount Washington, the little mountain in New Hampshire that kills just everybody, and which I'll never visit unless it's to get dragged into the weather station and gleefully drink cocoa as the sky goes all to white hell around me. Here are some highlights for you armchair outdoorswomen, rated on a scale of 1 to 5 !!!!!s.

    117 comments
  14. Genesis 42:21

    "And they said one to another, 'Fuckin' A, we are guilty concerning our brother, in that we saw the anguish of his soul, when he besought us, and we would not hear; therefore is this distress come upon us.'"

    42 comments