By Daniel Mallory Ortberg

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

  1. Hiring Nikki as managing editor two years ago was easily the best professional decision Nicole and I have ever made. I STILL HAVEN'T MET HER, which is outrageous, but nobody's fault (surely it's somebody's fault), but everything she has ever written here has been absolute gold, and I want to make sure everyone gets a chance to re-read her back catalog and say nice things to her on Twitter.

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  2. Because all of his shows are on public-access television, and so you can watch them for free on YouTube, and he embodies the deep and profound safety of being middle class, real middle class, the kind of middle-class where your father had a good job and a house and his father had a good job and a house and so on and so on, an unbroken chain of good men with real jobs...

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  3. I don't know.

    ↳ Of course you do, you ridiculous girl. Cast your mind back to the night of April the thirteenth.

    The night of the cotillion?

    ↳ You're not well-dressed enough to play that stupid with me, child. The evening after.

    I did nothing that day.

    ↳ You did plenty.

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  4. I love Nicole so much, and I'm getting hit with the yearbook feelings, where I want to grab all of you in the hallways and make you promise that we are really going to keep in touch, and I have been going through her archives this week and I wanted to remind you of some of her greatest hits. WE NEVER APPRECIATED HER ENOUGH.

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  5. If there's one thing life has taught me, it's that high school literature teachers love convincing you that Middle English is close enough to Modern English for you to stumble along without a translation through Chaucer's prologue, and I'm here to tell you that is some nonsense and you don't have to stand for it.

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  6. Originally.

    Limp, the body of Gorrister hung from the pink palette; unsupported—hanging high above us in the computer chamber; and it did not shiver in the chill, oily breeze .

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  7. 71 BC – Spartacus, leader of a slave rebellion against the Roman Empire. Although he was presumed killed in battle during the Third Servile War, his body was never found and his fate remains unknown.

    probably dead by now though

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  8. "I think it would be best if you go after all, Jeremy. Perhaps we can talk later, if you're able to stop saying such hurtful things."

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  9. Genesis 3:21-23

    "Also for Adam and his wife the Lord God made tunics of skin, and clothed them.

    Then the Lord God said, “Look, buddy, the man has become like one of Us, to know good and evil."

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  10. I'm just making these up as I go, now!

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  11. It started with "Secret Places in Death Valley: The Boxcar Cabin" (sparked by the conversation we had about the Death Valley Germans in last week's link roundup) and things just went nuts from there.

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  12. 1. Surely Our Unhappy Marriage Will Be Revived In Paris

    2. Our Marriage Deteriorates Even In Paris

    3. Perhaps If We Were To Try...An Open Marriage

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  13. THE GROWLMONGER AND SITBEAST IS WREATHED IN ENFROWNMENTS UPON HIS THRONELET AND I MUST HAVE HIM

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  14. "If you want to find Cherry-Tree Lane all you have to do is never make assertions. That is the moral crime peculiar to our enemies. We do not tell — we show. We do not claim — we prove. It is not your obedience that we seek to win, but your rational conviction. You have seen all the elements of our secret. The conclusion is now yours to draw — we can help you to…

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  15. Rebecca is a Quaker living in Atlanta with her wife, two dogs, and cat. She is an aspiring children's librarian.

    Hi, Rebecca! Can you tell me a little bit about your religious background growing up?

    I grew up super fundamentalist, almost Quiverfull, and am now an atheist Quaker. My wife and I were married under the care of our Quaker meeting a few weeks ago.

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