By Nicole and Mallory

Nicole and Mallory are the Editors of The Toast.

  1. MALLORY: so this is not an Avengers movie

    NICOLE: No.

    MALLORY: even though a lot of Avengers were in it
    this was a specifically Captain America movie

    NICOLE: It is a Captain America movie.

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  2. This post originally appeared on January 7th, 2014.

    Previously in Canadian anthropological studies: Facts About Thanksgiving.

    1. Guess. It's as good a strategy as any.

    2. They are behaving towards you exactly as they always have, yet you somehow feel strangely guilty.

    3. Something has changed in the wind.

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  3. Nicole: Okay, let's just get this out of the way IMMEDIATELY: obviously this is the greatest movie ever made.
    Mallory: I think at ten different points throughout the movie one or both of us leaned over to the other and said "This is the best movie I have ever seen."

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  4. Welcome back to Gabbin’ About God, in which Mallory uses her religious background to explain Christian-y things to Nicole. Most recently: Predestination. Mallory, can we talk about the false doctrine of transubstantiation, and the evolution of the concept? I've always thought it was weird that Jesus used metaphors CON-STANT-LY and this is the thing people decided was NOT a metaphor but a Real Exact Thing. And is consubstantiation just "yeah, you know, we're…

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  5. Nicole: I think it's very significant that you and I have discussed writing this piece since Winter 2013, and only now is it being put into Wordpress. We have been shying away from controversy for too long, let us no longer be silent: The three marriages on Modern Family are absolutely terrible, and none of these people should be together. Mallory: Modern Family is a show about people who are married but also hate each other. Marriage is…

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  6. Joss Whedon: Inventer Of Feminism Or Literal Hitler? Joss Whedon invented feminism. Before Joss Whedon, every female character on television was crushed to death under the weight of her male co-stars' heavier paychecks in the second-season finale. Every female character Joss Whedon ever wrote was forcibly impregnated by a demon and brutally murdered, because Joss Whedon hates lesbians. But Warren And The Trio Were – EVERYONE GETS THAT WARREN AND THE TRIO REPRESENTED THE THREAT OF…

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  7. These are all 100% actual names that Nicole and self considered naming this website. Consider yourself lucky; any one of these could have served as an admirable name for a women's college freshman-year literary magazine.

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  8. 1. You LOVE The Toast and want to keep it going.

    2. You like good deals and good websites, and you want to enjoy 50% of the regular subscription rates to four of the best sites out there.

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  9. I. The Motorcycle Crash
    II. Eaten By Bear at Zoo
    III. Slowly Crushed By His Collection of Sweet Lids
    IV. Beaten to Death By a Loan Shark
    V. Infection From Tattoo He Got With Third Wife
    VI. Burned Alive During The Wicker Man-Style Ritual That Stars Hollow Performs Every Eighteen Years

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  10. Previous installments of The Toast’s advice column from two disparate and imperfect persons can be found here. Last time: Advice on Yappy Coworkers and Being Poorer Than You Want. I'm currently in the middle of a complicated, messed-up situation in which everyone has hurt at least one other person very badly. As a result, there's been a lot of talk of "rebuilding trust." But what…

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  11. We love you. Talk amongst yourselves.

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  12. This post originally appeared on October 17th, 2013.

    Mallory left this morning. But not before this happened.

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  13. It's been a whole year since we launched this misandrist humo(u)r blog aimed chiefly at women who work as rare book librarians, and here we are! Let's talk about learning, and growing, and how our second year will see us finally convince Brittney Griner to be Mallory's girlfriend. Mallory: It is remarkable to think that a year has passed! Years always do, of course, in a strictly accurate sense the fact that a year has…

    256 comments
  14. 1. Act blandly surprised whenever she asks if she can bring him to an event, no matter how long they've been together. "Oh, Dave's coming too? Sure, that's fine." 2. Suggest Sleeping With The Devil for movie night. 3. Learn exactly one thing about him; make that the subject of conversation whenever you see him. It will not be necessary to learn two things. 4. Always grab the bill before he does. 5. Whisper "I will bury…

    113 comments