By Sarah Marshall

Sarah Marshall is not metaphor. She earned her MFA in fiction at Portland State University, where she wrote a thesis about dogfighting, ghost babies, and polygamy, and is currently at work on a novel about frontier vampires, which rips off Ravenous and Deadwood to equal extents.

  1. Never talk about politics.

    Talk about politics, but only about Nixon. Specifically, only talk Nixon’s final years post-resignation, how his pallor grew grey and his body wracked with phlebitis and his mind consumed with sad tales of the death of kings. Work on your Nixon impression. Remind yourself that real love means loving decrepit, angry failure and no one embodies this principle quite like Nixon, with the possible exception of most

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  2. Previously in this series. You are a young man driving across the country, thinking about the women in your life and the various ways in which they have disappointed you. You saw something horrifying at the circus. Sometimes you think about just picking up and leaving this filthy city, but then one morning you wake up and watch the sky turn from narcissus-white to the delicate, throbbing, vein-purple hues of the nodding heads of…

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