CAST ASIDE YOUR WIG-HAIRS AND CUFF-CANES, GENTLEMEN, AND ASSEMBLE UP FOR ME THIS PUDDLE OF DOG-RIBBONS POSTE OF HASTEWARDLY

Friends, I am not often wrong, but when I am, I do not try to run from my mistakes. I square up to them and make what is wrong right. This week, I believed I had discovered a video showing a bumblebee giving live birth. I showed it to you in good faith.

I was wrong.

First I learned that I guess bumblebees reproduce through live birth, which...I had never even imagined was possible? Anyhow, after that, it was pretty much inevitable that I'd keep clicking on Related Videos until I fell asleep. Hope you're well.

"Scientists have discovered a shark that glows in the deep ocean and is so tiny that it might even fit in your hand."

I’m ‘a get a scholarship to puppy obedience classes
I prob’ly shouldn’t brag, but dag, I amaze and astonish
The problem is I got a lot of fur but no polish
I gotta bark just to be heard
With every yip, I drop knowledge!

Here is an entire post devoted to my puppy, Sansa, as promised.

Without commentary, because what could I add? (She is perfect and I will pay her any amount of money she asks for until the day I die.)

Friends, I spend a lot of time in Wikimedia Commons trawling for public-domain art what I can fling jokes at, and when I come across a photo caption like "When a horse is suffering from worms (colic?).JPG," I do not think. I act.

It’s a sticky afternoon in June and I’m standing in a manicured field in Long Island. There’s a leash attached to my belt loop. On the other end of the leash is a blonde woman named Mandi barking out commands.

I make my way downtown to a hip Manhattan dog park. In olden times, youths frequented dog parks to relax, drink cocktails, and maybe find a fellow dog owner to take home. No longer. In this brave new world, all of the park goers clutch their phones and swipe furiously through the latest hookup app: Tindog.

There are many things that can be said of Murphy the dog: He is Murphy. Yes, he is. He is a dog, a good one, a dog he is decidedly. Murphy is ten, and has some teeth.

I thought I was familiar with every subterranean-race theory; I've even read Jennifer Toth's The Mole People, which is maybe one of the most discredited works of journalism ever published??? (I LOVE IT SO MUCH AND IF YOU EVER WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, or even just Dark Days, TEXT ME IMMEDIATELY). And yet I was not familiar with the Los Angeles Lizard People, until Christian Brown helpfully caulked that particular gap in…

Adrienne Celt's previous work for The Toast can be found here. Her book, The Daughters, is out today.

Oh, those wacky penguins.

Obviously, Channing Tatum and Joe Manganiello. The entire male cast of Magic Mike XXL, really, all wet noses and unbridled enthusiasm and hanging their heads out of car windows and sniffing things for the sheer joy of being alive. If Labrador Retrievers had abs, it would be these men. Fights are quickly dissolved into celebrations of life. They probably eat garbage, and kick their legs in the air if you scratch them in the right place.